Loss... Wow, what a word. 4 letters in this small word, but they are powerful.
It is with much sadness that I tell you today that Isaac Carlson went to be in the arms of Jesus on Aug. 20th at 3:23 in the morning.
We have known for 2 weeks that his life could be in jeopardy, but chose to fight for his life while his heart was still beating. It is hard looking back now on this decision but it was right! Isaac, while we never "knew" you, we "knew" you!! I have felt your kicks and somersaults and been overwhelmed with joy at the thought of you. We had planned with great anticipation of your arrival to our home. Dreamed of how to arrange your room you would share with Andrew, painting airplanes on the wall and where we would put your bed, of course Andrew wanted you close to him... only to realize now that you are flying. You are with all our loved ones who are already in heaven and you are watching over us. We thought today as we traveled home how you have already been so many places. We wonder which one was your favorite, if you had a "Top 10" like we did. You have been to the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Alki Beach, Hoover Dam and many pools with us this summer plus Mariners games. We will miss you buddy!
It was the worst feeling leaving the hospital today, not because I didn't want to leave, believe me, I wanted to be out of there yesterday! But having had 2 children already, the joy of rolling your stuff out, being in a wheelchair holding my bundle of joy with a balloon tied to me and the hoop-la of a newborn baby. Today it was me, in my maternity clothes, with my Mom and Brad, going to the car in silence, filled with sadness at the emptiness of my arms. Never have I realized the depth of the pain other women faced, who, like me, have lost your child. To go through the steps of labor: being induced - labor pains - all that other stuff - for a child who will never smile back at you or coo at you hurts so deeply. Forgive me for being so honest. On Wednesday morning after giving birth it was an honor to hold Isaac briefly and tell him what a blessing he is to our lives and what a fighter he was-it was an honor. Is this easy? Absolutely not! The hardest thing I have ever done in my life. God gives and He takes away, it is not up to me.
I often think of the other connotation of the name "Isaac", the one from the Bible. Abraham was Isaac's dad and well, like our story Isaac was not to be, he was a miracle child to Abraham and his wife. But God told Abraham to go and sacrifice Isaac to him, God wanted to see if Abraham would give back to Him what really was His idea anyway, his son Isaac. Abraham did, he was ready to sacrifice his precious gift from God when God said no, this guy is going to live because you have not with held him from me. I want God to say that of us, as hard as this is to walk through and it isn't over.
We will always know that we have 3 sons (Nathan, Andrew & Isaac) you are part of our family and will never forget you. We love you Isaac, thanks for letting us be a part of your life. You made us laugh!
Love to you Always, Your Mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment