Joshua 1:9 says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
This was a verse given to us by a family friend soon after we knew Isaac's life was in jeopardy. I held on tight to it that day as we headed up to UW for another appointment. At that time it breathed strength and courage in me as we were walking through the toughest time in our lives as a family, couple & asindividuals. I remember quoting it in the car as we went on the road trip up there. Believing it with every fiber in my being. The past 11 months I have not liked that verse... not at all. I feel as though the carpet was ripped out from under me. With every song, every verse, every movie, every babies face... I hurt. I cry out to God. In the verse I know He never promised it would be okay and that He would do a grand miracle. He promised He would be with us and I was not to be afraid. I am grasping tight to this verse these days as I allow Him to continue to heal me. God even though there are many things that will still stop me dead in my tracks, I will not let go of YOU, for YOU have not let go of me.
We are embarking on many milestones right now. Mother's Day: I was heart broken as I remembered last year and how excited I was to be a new Mama again. I had a blessed day with my honey & boys as we went to lunch, Cold Stone & then to Isaac's grave. I am proud to be a Mom to my boys, they mean everything to me. I read the boys' nice cards they made with the personal things they wrote in them for me. I found myself breaking down and apologizing for being "absent" this year for them, and what a bad Mom I've been. My oldest Nathan cried and hugged me saying, "It's been a hard year on all of us Mom, it's okay. You're a great Mom" Priceless!
July 8th, 2008 we were surprised to find out that we were having a boy, so excited for that. My 3 sons I would say... my friends told me I am good at raising boys (LOL). How would I know how to handle a girl anyway?
We are coming up on 2 more major milestones, August 5th is when we knew his little life was in jeopardy. We were crushed but determined to fight for his life, He is valuable!!! August 20, 2008 was his homegoing to heaven. Oh how my heart hurts, how I miss him!
Nathan left for junior high camp on Monday and this brought up more pain for us. Reminders of last summer. The day I came home from the hospital last year, Nathan left 2 hours later for camp. I was so mad, I didn't want to let any of us out of my sight, I didn't want him to go. My sister had stayed at our house while we were at the hospital and she had talked him into going, saying it would be good for him. It was! She was right, God met him in such a cool way, surrounding him with people who hurt right alongside him and most importantly God comforted him. It was nice in the end for us too, I felt like a zombie anyway, he didn't miss much except tears. So as he left out on Monday... there I stood crying. I probably looked like a Mom that needed to get a grip, but only Nathan and God really understood my heart.
One day little buddy we will be reunited, all 5 of us as the Carlson family. Until then we will keep pressing on, allowing God to speak in the midst of our pain & our joy.
