Be Strong & Courageous

Joshua 1:9 says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

This was a verse given to us by a family friend soon after we knew Isaac's life was in jeopardy. I held on tight to it that day as we headed up to UW for another appointment. At that time it breathed strength and courage in me as we were walking through the toughest time in our lives as a family, couple & asindividuals. I remember quoting it in the car as we went on the road trip up there. Believing it with every fiber in my being. The past 11 months I have not liked that verse... not at all. I feel as though the carpet was ripped out from under me. With every song, every verse, every movie, every babies face... I hurt. I cry out to God. In the verse I know He never promised it would be okay and that He would do a grand miracle. He promised He would be with us and I was not to be afraid. I am grasping tight to this verse these days as I allow Him to continue to heal me. God even though there are many things that will still stop me dead in my tracks, I will not let go of YOU, for YOU have not let go of me.

We are embarking on many milestones right now. Mother's Day: I was heart broken as I remembered last year and how excited I was to be a new Mama again. I had a blessed day with my honey & boys as we went to lunch, Cold Stone & then to Isaac's grave. I am proud to be a Mom to my boys, they mean everything to me. I read the boys' nice cards they made with the personal things they wrote in them for me. I found myself breaking down and apologizing for being "absent" this year for them, and what a bad Mom I've been. My oldest Nathan cried and hugged me saying, "It's been a hard year on all of us Mom, it's okay. You're a great Mom" Priceless!

July 8th, 2008 we were surprised to find out that we were having a boy, so excited for that. My 3 sons I would say... my friends told me I am good at raising boys (LOL). How would I know how to handle a girl anyway?

We are coming up on 2 more major milestones, August 5th is when we knew his little life was in jeopardy. We were crushed but determined to fight for his life, He is valuable!!! August 20, 2008 was his homegoing to heaven. Oh how my heart hurts, how I miss him!

Nathan left for junior high camp on Monday and this brought up more pain for us. Reminders of last summer. The day I came home from the hospital last year, Nathan left 2 hours later for camp. I was so mad, I didn't want to let any of us out of my sight, I didn't want him to go. My sister had stayed at our house while we were at the hospital and she had talked him into going, saying it would be good for him. It was! She was right, God met him in such a cool way, surrounding him with people who hurt right alongside him and most importantly God comforted him. It was nice in the end for us too, I felt like a zombie anyway, he didn't miss much except tears. So as he left out on Monday... there I stood crying. I probably looked like a Mom that needed to get a grip, but only Nathan and God really understood my heart.

One day little buddy we will be reunited, all 5 of us as the Carlson family. Until then we will keep pressing on, allowing God to speak in the midst of our pain & our joy.

Missing You

Hey Baby Boy, I just want you to know that I am missing you. I want you to remember how much you were loved. You were very much wanted Isaac. I look forward to the day when we will be reunited in heaven. I love you!

Warning: She May Erupt in Crying

Brad & I sang a duet of "It is Well" in November on a Sunday night (lot less people). This was huge and I was fine until "when peace like a river... " tears flowed and that was the first time I have had a "public" show of emotion. We made it through, well Brad had a nice solo anyway.

Christmas was absolutely horrible for me, I hated every part of it this year. But the turn of the new year was different for us, we were now past our due date and over a hump. I sang for the first time by myself 2 weeks into January and sang "Daystar" figuring it was safe of words to get me bawling again. I held myself together well and focused on the words of letting God use me. Literally as soon as I put the microphone back in the holder I lost it. The people cheered and as Brad took the microphone he was crying and said it was good to hear me sing again. I had not been on worship team yet but was to lead-God willing, that next Sunday. I had been practicing with one of the HS girls, it will be her first time on the piano on a Sunday morning so we went through this door trembling together.

We are doing better but definitely still have good days and bad days. We are getting a "grief share" e-mail a day and they are incredible small tidbits and it is like they are reading our mail. God is good! We just happen to have both arms tightly wrapped around Him, after all He is holding our son.

So Monday morning/Sunday night our oldest came in our room with a high fever and bad headache. We prayed with him and gave him some tylenol before he went back to bed. This started a horrible cycle of sickness for him. He is still having a rough time, but we are are glad he didn't have to have surgery. Through this God is challenging me with all that we have been through and my response to that. Funny how you think things are healing up and then something happens to take you a few steps back. Really though it is not steps back, society would like you to think that, but it is all for my good, going back shows me His faithfulness.

I am tired... God has shown me a lot of things the past 2 days about myself. First of all He showed me through this, that I was not sure if I could fully trust Him with Nathan. I prayed to Him and believed He could heal him, but last time I fully relied on Him, needed Him like never before, never turned out to be a picnic. He is trying to get me to trust Him again. REALLY trust Him.

Secondly, on the way home from the hospital at 11:30 Tuesday night by myself I just bawled. Bawled because He was holding up a mirror to my heart. Wow, a mirror of my heart. Ministry, especially here in Yelm has been very rewarding & heart wrenching at the same time. I am sure it is like this everywhere... But for me walking in these shoes with these responsibilities is new. I have built walls around my heart from being hurt. Hurt from God and others. I once walked in confidence in my relationship/standing with God. He has been my best friend and still is, I just feel like I am cowering when I am with Him. Our heartache this past year has only encouraged that "feeling". I say feeling because I know "on whom on I stand". God is showing me areas that need shored up again. I have been trying to stay close to His garment, but as I looked in that mirror it was sheer terror not love holding me there. I pray I get a genuine smile for His presence like I haven't had ever before. I don't want what I used to have, I want the new and improved (-:


I love you Brad, thank you for allowing me to grieve, praying with me, holding me & pushing me forward. Nathan, you are my sunshine. You light up this room and my heart with your smile and sincerity. You are real! Andrew, you are my little pumpkin. What you say is of great value and nourishment to my soul. Isaac, you are my courageous boy. I love you baby & miss you. Thank you God for holding me together and my family. You are faithful!

Help Me Out God

Okay God, so I feel like I am out on this limb with nothing to catch me if I fall.

My emotions are going crazy... yet I know they cannot be depended on, I must stand on what I know. The fact is that has been turned upside down. Why did you allow this? Why didn't I do more to try to save my son? Why didn't I rest? Why the horrible delivery? Why the result of our son with you instead of my arms? I don't understand. I am trying to trust you again. Can I believe for miracles again? Help me!

My world is caving in these days. Are you there? I need to sense your presence with me/us. I have got to have you God. Please break through my hurt and find my heart again. I love you!