I am completely leaning on God. I can find no other way to get through these seasons that I have found myself in lately. God will help me, strengthen me and love on me. I cannot do this... I hurt and grieve for that which would've been my joy.
I must now refocus. "Come on Sooz, dream again, lay your head down and rest awhile", this is what I hear God telling me.
I'm yours God...
Friday, December 26, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
My Boys
Wow, I am amazed at how fast the boys are growing. Nathan turns 13 in a couple of weeks, it doesn't seem possible! Andrew turned 10 over the summer and to think I had him a decade ago!
I love the stage they are both at, it is challenging in a new way. I am proud to be their Mom!
Andrew cracked me up yesterday as he was "forced" to go play outside. See we have a rule that there is no video game playing during the school week until Friday. Brad 
and I have found that this rule actually stinks because it makes them want to go on a binge of them on the weekend (-: Anyway, he and Nathan had been playing all morning so Mom finally forced them outside, get dirty, create a game like I had to when I was a kid-ha ha! So at 3 Brad heads out there to start sawing some wood and set up a firepit with our old fireplace out in the backyard and solicits their help. They were loving helping him saw wood, stack it, get the fireplace just right on the cement blocks we had. At 6 Andrew comes in the house to announce to me that since 3 o'clock he has had the best day of his life!! I couldn't help but bust out laughing. He thinks of the craziest stuff and says words from the dictionary that I have never heard of in my life. He said that in school they don't want him to use the usual words, find some new ones that mean the same thing he tells me.
and I have found that this rule actually stinks because it makes them want to go on a binge of them on the weekend (-: Anyway, he and Nathan had been playing all morning so Mom finally forced them outside, get dirty, create a game like I had to when I was a kid-ha ha! So at 3 Brad heads out there to start sawing some wood and set up a firepit with our old fireplace out in the backyard and solicits their help. They were loving helping him saw wood, stack it, get the fireplace just right on the cement blocks we had. At 6 Andrew comes in the house to announce to me that since 3 o'clock he has had the best day of his life!! I couldn't help but bust out laughing. He thinks of the craziest stuff and says words from the dictionary that I have never heard of in my life. He said that in school they don't want him to use the usual words, find some new ones that mean the same thing he tells me.
And then there is Nathan, the almost official teenager, even though it has already begun-for real! He has turned into a picture of sarcasm, like Daddy I might add. It reminds me of the old Cosby show where the kid tries to get away with a little something that their parents would never tolerate and Bill gets sarcastic with his kid and then they go back and forth in fun-that is the stage we are in. This Friday is his first "junior high" dance, oh my! I of course am going as a chaperone-hee hee. I remember those days... guys standing on one side and girls on the other until after like an hour one person breaks the ice by asking someone to dance and then it's downhill from there. I can't believe HE is in these days already. Where has time gone?Monday, October 13, 2008
One Day At A Time
I cannot believe that it has been almost 2 months since we lost our son Isaac James. It is still amazing to me the grief that we as a family and as individuals are still going through. However, we are having more good days than bad.
Tonight my heart ached as Andrew, our 10 year old was hurting. It had been an hour since I put him to bed and I was checking my email in the living room when I heard someone up. This usually means trouble for them. As I went into his room to get after him, he was sitting up on his bed, cross legged with his head buried in his hands crying. His t-shirt was soaked with tears & he was sniffling as he said he was thinking of Isaac. Ah... what to say... what to say. I just held him and told him to let Jesus hug him too and that it is okay to be sad, that my heart still hurts too. Andrew has really been reading his Bible a lot and has enjoyed his study Bible, he loves the extra info/facts. He started reading Revelation, I know... weird book for me even, but he is loving it. He has been re-reading the first 8 chapters over and over, underlining what speaks to him. He had read me a few verses at bedtime, they were mainly saying worthy is the Lamb that was slain, he who has an ear to hear, let him hear what the Spirit says and then he quoted Revelation 7:17 "For the Lamb on the throne will be their Shepherd. He will lead them to springs of life-giving water. And God will wipe every tear from their eyes." As he said this he said this reminded him of Isaac. I believe that God is speaking in a still small voice to my Andrew-of course as his Momma I wish it would happen at more convenient times... not really!! I will take and cherish each moment with my family.
Time flies so quickly and I am finding that we are getting caught up in activity and back to "normal", whatever this means but sometimes this only masks pain. I think we need to allow "pit stops" for when we need them. I can tell you that you can't plan when you will have a moment or a day full of sorrow.
Here comes a dose of honesty or confession from me. Sundays are the worst day for me since we lost Isaac. I don't understand why exactly, what is it that makes me want to stay home every week? I know that people there love me and that it is okay to have a meltdown there, so why can't I? This past Sunday was the first Sunday I really cried since we've been back, not that tears mean anything, but why am I putting on a front that all is fine and not allowing myself to be real? I am NOT strong, I am WEAK!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
What an Honor~
What an honor! It really was an honor and a huge miracle that we were able to have Isaac back and have a service for him, well really us. We now have a place we can go and "visit" and chat with him. Of course we know he is already with Jesus, but this was such a miracle to have him. Worrying about what we knew couldn't be undone - this is the one thing that tormented me the most the past month. For more about that read my previous blogs.
I want to tell you about his service...
The boys and I got there early because we had some special treasures to put out. Brad, Nathan & I had written "secret" notes to put in the casket with Isaac and Andrew had built Isaac a Wright brothers style of Lego plane out of his stash at home to put in there. My Mom (Grandma) had a special, really soft, baby blue blanket to put in there as well. It was a closed casket service, even to us so the funeral director took our items and put them in there to be buried with our baby boy.
We put his blue and white checkered blankie with an airplane on it(our friend Melissa left for us when they moved away) over the casket. This blankie was one we have carried to doctor appointments and prayed over many times. It is currently our bear "Isaac's" blankie now. We had placed our family figurines, one of a mom and son and a dad and son in front of the casket. For my birthday my Momma sent me another figurine, an angel holding a baby and we placed that one there too. We had 4 dozen roses, from our friends the Greens and the Fosters that we placed by the casket as well. We also had a side table with our memory box from the hospital with his foot imprints and other special things along with a picture of Jesus holding a baby tight. We also put our bear "Isaac" & one of Andrew's favorite bear's "Toppie" (top hat bear) there in the middle as well.
Our friend, Army Chaplain James Foster did the service and he did an amazing job, to do a baby's funeral has got to be a hard thing. He showed such kindness and was gentle with us as he read Scripture, a poem and the letter I wrote. Thank you James!
Joseph, our best friend sang & played for us. We could hear Joseph play and or sing all day. It is like David's playing was to Saul-soothing. He played the song "Jesus loves me" and it was moving... peaceful. Later he sang a song we requested, one that God is challenging us with still, you may know it... "I surrender all". It is the old hymn..
"All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give.
I will ever love and trust Him. In His presence daily live.
I surrender all, I surrender all.
All to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender, humbly at His feet I bow.
Worldly pleasures all forsaken, take me Jesus, take me now"
While this may sound strange to you, it is not at all to us, it is what God is asking us to do DAILY. It is the hardest thing we have ever walked through. We are still struggling to feel that Jesus loves us, we know it, but we desire to sense His arms around us everyday.
We had a surprise speaker as well, my Dad. I didn't know that he was going to share, he had told us earlier that he thought it would be too hard to read a Scripture or anything in the service. But then the words of "Dear Mom, Dad, Nathan & Andrew" came out... oh no, more tears. He wrote a special poem from Isaac to us, you can see it on one of my previous notes. Thank you Grandpa!
As we sat as a family, the four of us on that front row, it was a time of drawing close to each other, holding each other tight and letting go of our emotions. I loved this time -alone there with just my husband and my boys allowing each other to cry and hugging.
At the end of the service Chaplain James was to lead a little procession out to the graveside with us following him. The funeral director was to carry the casket out, but Brad without telling me ahead of time took hold of the casket. As he grabbed it, he then turned it -as if he was carrying our newborn son. Nathan & I lost it, we started sobbing all the way out to the grave. What a great Daddy you are Brad, I love you, thank you for honoring Isaac's life, it was a precious moment I will never forget and neither will your boys.
Brad took the casket and put it in the ground. Then both Grandma's and Grandpa's put a rose on it and we each did as well, I went last with a bunch of them. Andrew put one of his favorite planes in there too. James then shared a committal Scripture and prayed and it was all over. The boys then let a bunch of balloons go into the air, they got stuck on a few trees but after a few minutes they were released into the open sky. "Here you go Isaac" Andrew said.
He is with Jesus & we long for the day when we will see him again. (-:
I want to tell you about his service...
The boys and I got there early because we had some special treasures to put out. Brad, Nathan & I had written "secret" notes to put in the casket with Isaac and Andrew had built Isaac a Wright brothers style of Lego plane out of his stash at home to put in there. My Mom (Grandma) had a special, really soft, baby blue blanket to put in there as well. It was a closed casket service, even to us so the funeral director took our items and put them in there to be buried with our baby boy.
We put his blue and white checkered blankie with an airplane on it(our friend Melissa left for us when they moved away) over the casket. This blankie was one we have carried to doctor appointments and prayed over many times. It is currently our bear "Isaac's" blankie now. We had placed our family figurines, one of a mom and son and a dad and son in front of the casket. For my birthday my Momma sent me another figurine, an angel holding a baby and we placed that one there too. We had 4 dozen roses, from our friends the Greens and the Fosters that we placed by the casket as well. We also had a side table with our memory box from the hospital with his foot imprints and other special things along with a picture of Jesus holding a baby tight. We also put our bear "Isaac" & one of Andrew's favorite bear's "Toppie" (top hat bear) there in the middle as well.
Our friend, Army Chaplain James Foster did the service and he did an amazing job, to do a baby's funeral has got to be a hard thing. He showed such kindness and was gentle with us as he read Scripture, a poem and the letter I wrote. Thank you James!
Joseph, our best friend sang & played for us. We could hear Joseph play and or sing all day. It is like David's playing was to Saul-soothing. He played the song "Jesus loves me" and it was moving... peaceful. Later he sang a song we requested, one that God is challenging us with still, you may know it... "I surrender all". It is the old hymn..
"All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give.
I will ever love and trust Him. In His presence daily live.
I surrender all, I surrender all.
All to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender, humbly at His feet I bow.
Worldly pleasures all forsaken, take me Jesus, take me now"
While this may sound strange to you, it is not at all to us, it is what God is asking us to do DAILY. It is the hardest thing we have ever walked through. We are still struggling to feel that Jesus loves us, we know it, but we desire to sense His arms around us everyday.
We had a surprise speaker as well, my Dad. I didn't know that he was going to share, he had told us earlier that he thought it would be too hard to read a Scripture or anything in the service. But then the words of "Dear Mom, Dad, Nathan & Andrew" came out... oh no, more tears. He wrote a special poem from Isaac to us, you can see it on one of my previous notes. Thank you Grandpa!
As we sat as a family, the four of us on that front row, it was a time of drawing close to each other, holding each other tight and letting go of our emotions. I loved this time -alone there with just my husband and my boys allowing each other to cry and hugging.
At the end of the service Chaplain James was to lead a little procession out to the graveside with us following him. The funeral director was to carry the casket out, but Brad without telling me ahead of time took hold of the casket. As he grabbed it, he then turned it -as if he was carrying our newborn son. Nathan & I lost it, we started sobbing all the way out to the grave. What a great Daddy you are Brad, I love you, thank you for honoring Isaac's life, it was a precious moment I will never forget and neither will your boys.
Brad took the casket and put it in the ground. Then both Grandma's and Grandpa's put a rose on it and we each did as well, I went last with a bunch of them. Andrew put one of his favorite planes in there too. James then shared a committal Scripture and prayed and it was all over. The boys then let a bunch of balloons go into the air, they got stuck on a few trees but after a few minutes they were released into the open sky. "Here you go Isaac" Andrew said.
He is with Jesus & we long for the day when we will see him again. (-:
Sunday, September 28, 2008
... The Bear
Ok... so I am going to go back in time to August 27th. This is exactly a week after we lost Isaac and I was having a tough time, we all were. What made it worse was that because we didn't want to be overwhelmed with emotions in public, we stayed out of it. We literally stayed home to avoid people. Needless to say... I was going crazy - getting severe cabin fever, felt like I was suffocating.
Big blessing! On that specific Wednesday we were blessed with the opportunity to get away for a few nights by some friends. We went to Portland for 2 nights and Seaside for a night and it was just what I needed, we needed. It gave me specifically a chance to get some air and breathe a bit. It never took the pain away, just gave me a fresh perspective. This is when my writing spree started as well.
It all started from a book my friend Joleanne Piper sent me called, "Empty Arms". In fact I had just received it in the mail on Wednesday as we were headed out of town, thank you Jesus. It was like this lady, the author was in my head and in our home. I highly recommend the book to anyone just to give them an idea of what families in our situation go through. As I read, I underlined those things which spoke most to me and it was crazy, just crazy! Then at night when the kids would go to sleep and Brad was catching up on sports I would write, cry, write, cry and read my Bible. It's funny, well not really, but God wasn't speaking to me at all in the way I thought he should. But... a big but... He was holding me, showing me love through my family and friends who were cracking me up by sending me random texts, even though they knew we were gone. Thank you for that by the way... I loved that, no agenda, no heavy deep talks, just random lines about silly things.
Anyway... the bear, that is what I really was writing about.
Nathan, our oldest son through this whole pregnancy has made a big deal about being the one to buy the baby it's first teddy bear. So as time passed we always remembered but never found one he liked. Well we got to Portland that Wednesday night and chilled at the hotel, ate some dinner and then went for a walk to a mall that was across the parking lot. You have to understand that all of us are emotional and are hanging on tight to each other and very protective of each other. As we were walking in the mall we stumbled upon a "Build a Bear" store. Ok, so I am sorry for all of those who I've judged before about this store, have never been in it and my boys are past that age of a teddy bear, so I thought. We went in and they immediately fell in love with the same style of bear, a curly haired one. They turned to look at Brad & I with a silent smile and look of "Please?" We said sure, we guessed that was fine. Little did we know how this very moment would affect all of our lives. As we walked through build a bear's steps of putting a bear together there we found some healing, especially for my precious boys. First thing was deciding if we wanted to put a voice inside the bear, Andrew was eying the heartbeat sound, but it freaked the rest of us out so we decided no. Then the lady asked the boys if this was a gift or for one of them, Nathan said it is in memory of our brother who just passed away. He teared up when he spoke those words and so did the rest of us from hearing him say it. So she gave us each a little padded red heart to stuff inside the bear before she sewed him closed. She told us to hold the heart in our hands, close our eyes and make a wish... by the time we opened our eyes we were all teary. Then she said kiss the heart on both sides and then she allowed us to stuff it in the bear. Then she sewed him shut and it was time for a bath, really a blow dry. Andrew hopped on this idea, he carefully carried him over to the "tub" to blow off any excess fuzzies from our bear. Then it was time to dress him... so many options, what do we pick out? Brad found the perfect outfit, we have always dressed the boys in a jean overall outfit for pictures when they were small, Brad found one!! So we dressed the bear, this was a chore in itself... we must've looked hilarious trying to dress this bear. Okay, so now to a computer where we name him and give him a birthdate because he... get this... gets a real birth certificate, something we will never get from the hospital for Isaac. At this I bawled right there in the store, how cool is this? So our bear's name is Isaac James Carlson with a birthdate of August 20, 2008. This was a total God moment for all of us but mainly for my boys, how great is God?
The boys now take turns holding "Isaac" and sleeping with him, it is the cutest thing! Andrew especially has a bond with this bear, sometimes we will randomly catch him rocking it in the rocker or wrapping it up in his blanket to hold on his shoulder. It makes his momma's heart proud knowing what great big brothers Isaac has and how much they love him as well and will miss him in our home.
Thank you for this moment God, it is one I will never forget and will cherish forever and so will my boys.
Big blessing! On that specific Wednesday we were blessed with the opportunity to get away for a few nights by some friends. We went to Portland for 2 nights and Seaside for a night and it was just what I needed, we needed. It gave me specifically a chance to get some air and breathe a bit. It never took the pain away, just gave me a fresh perspective. This is when my writing spree started as well.
It all started from a book my friend Joleanne Piper sent me called, "Empty Arms". In fact I had just received it in the mail on Wednesday as we were headed out of town, thank you Jesus. It was like this lady, the author was in my head and in our home. I highly recommend the book to anyone just to give them an idea of what families in our situation go through. As I read, I underlined those things which spoke most to me and it was crazy, just crazy! Then at night when the kids would go to sleep and Brad was catching up on sports I would write, cry, write, cry and read my Bible. It's funny, well not really, but God wasn't speaking to me at all in the way I thought he should. But... a big but... He was holding me, showing me love through my family and friends who were cracking me up by sending me random texts, even though they knew we were gone. Thank you for that by the way... I loved that, no agenda, no heavy deep talks, just random lines about silly things.
Anyway... the bear, that is what I really was writing about.
Nathan, our oldest son through this whole pregnancy has made a big deal about being the one to buy the baby it's first teddy bear. So as time passed we always remembered but never found one he liked. Well we got to Portland that Wednesday night and chilled at the hotel, ate some dinner and then went for a walk to a mall that was across the parking lot. You have to understand that all of us are emotional and are hanging on tight to each other and very protective of each other. As we were walking in the mall we stumbled upon a "Build a Bear" store. Ok, so I am sorry for all of those who I've judged before about this store, have never been in it and my boys are past that age of a teddy bear, so I thought. We went in and they immediately fell in love with the same style of bear, a curly haired one. They turned to look at Brad & I with a silent smile and look of "Please?" We said sure, we guessed that was fine. Little did we know how this very moment would affect all of our lives. As we walked through build a bear's steps of putting a bear together there we found some healing, especially for my precious boys. First thing was deciding if we wanted to put a voice inside the bear, Andrew was eying the heartbeat sound, but it freaked the rest of us out so we decided no. Then the lady asked the boys if this was a gift or for one of them, Nathan said it is in memory of our brother who just passed away. He teared up when he spoke those words and so did the rest of us from hearing him say it. So she gave us each a little padded red heart to stuff inside the bear before she sewed him closed. She told us to hold the heart in our hands, close our eyes and make a wish... by the time we opened our eyes we were all teary. Then she said kiss the heart on both sides and then she allowed us to stuff it in the bear. Then she sewed him shut and it was time for a bath, really a blow dry. Andrew hopped on this idea, he carefully carried him over to the "tub" to blow off any excess fuzzies from our bear. Then it was time to dress him... so many options, what do we pick out? Brad found the perfect outfit, we have always dressed the boys in a jean overall outfit for pictures when they were small, Brad found one!! So we dressed the bear, this was a chore in itself... we must've looked hilarious trying to dress this bear. Okay, so now to a computer where we name him and give him a birthdate because he... get this... gets a real birth certificate, something we will never get from the hospital for Isaac. At this I bawled right there in the store, how cool is this? So our bear's name is Isaac James Carlson with a birthdate of August 20, 2008. This was a total God moment for all of us but mainly for my boys, how great is God?
The boys now take turns holding "Isaac" and sleeping with him, it is the cutest thing! Andrew especially has a bond with this bear, sometimes we will randomly catch him rocking it in the rocker or wrapping it up in his blanket to hold on his shoulder. It makes his momma's heart proud knowing what great big brothers Isaac has and how much they love him as well and will miss him in our home.
Thank you for this moment God, it is one I will never forget and will cherish forever and so will my boys.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
My Letter to Isaac 9/24/08
I will start at the beginning of our story.
We have 2 amazing boys Nathan & Andrew that we love very much and you see, we have always wanted another child. We have tried ever since Andrew was little to get pregnant and nothing happened. In March I thought I was pregnant and this terrified us as it had been almost 10 years at this point. So we took matters into our hands as to making sure we would be done. On April 14th we made certain we were done and on April 20th we found out that I was pregnant after all these years. We sat in shock for several days and just laughed, laughed at what God was doing. We were very excited about what was ahead, yet with a healthy fear of being parents of a newborn baby again.
To Isaac… my heart was filled with joy as we now looked forward to you coming to join our family. Soon the prenatal appointments started and we were especially excited to know that our due date was December 22nd. We loved this because it meant that our family and our friend Tina could be here for the birth, a celebration! Of course your brothers were wondering if having your birthday around Christmas would mean double gifts for you and they were bummed they couldn’t be born around that time too.
May 6th was the first of many ultrasounds and doctor appointments that I was to go to, to make sure you and I were fine. It was so exciting as we saw you today, there you were… a dot, a speck in our eye... but not God’s eye. Amazing… your life is amazing to me.
June 4th was our next ultrasound and wow -how you were growing! We can now see your shaped body and see how big you are getting. I saw your heart beating for the first time, I cried as I saw it fluttering today. We were leaving for your first vacation soon and I wanted to make sure you were healthy before we left. We had a great vacation and I felt you kick for the first time on our flight out of Seattle. Did you know that while you were in my tummy, you went to the beach, to the Grand Canyon, movies, Hoover Dam, to see Stomp, to church, to Mariners games, to help me work, swimming...and so many more places. We wondered where our next trip with you in our family would be.
July 8th was a day I was looking forward to! Your Grandparents from Idaho were flying in that day with your cousins and I had kept my appointment a surprise as we hoped that you would be old enough for us to get a good look at you. It became the day we found out that you had an outtie and not an innie. We saw that yes, you were indeed a boy! It was a special day because our family (G-ma & G-pa Shover and James & Jandee) were here to see you, on screen anyway. Your brothers were getting excited for you to arrive too; we had been having fun planning on where we will place your crib and how we will paint the room you would share with Andrew.
August 5th… was a day we will never forget. I was excited for this ultrasound for 2 reasons, one because I wanted to know for sure you were still a healthy little boy (okay so I was wanting to make sure you were definitely a boy)and secondly your brothers and our friend Tina would be able to come to this appointment and see you for the first time. Little did I know the awkward silence that would come from this ultrasound. We found out devastating news... there was no fluid surrounding you, protecting you and the doctors offered no hope outside of a miracle. You kicked while I listened to them tell me that I should let you go. You, unable to say a word, spoke volumes as we considered what had been laid before us. Isaac, there really was never a choice. You were ours from the moment God ordained it so. There were moments in the darkness during that time when I worried that maybe we should give you to God. We didn't want you to suffer, and we knew that as soon as you were with Him, you would be at peace. But that decision was not for us to make. Before your Daddy and I left that day we just held each other and cried and Daddy led out in prayer for you, there in the darkness of that room.
We prayed for a miracle. I remember telling God a saying that your daddy has said many times, “God we know that You can, we ask that You will!” I remember writing in my journal a reflection of Abraham and Isaac’s story and telling God that I will sacrifice/dedicate you to him, just as we had with Nathan & Andrew and that even if… I would trust Him. Thank you for the many kicks son. I remember making a “deal” with you that as long as you kept moving-I would keep fighting for your life. You have been so brave and courageous, we nicknamed you “The Fighter”.
August 17th was a Sunday night and we had some friends over. I quickly wanted to hold their newly born son and get warmed up for what was soon to be for us. As I held him that night, facing out on my tummy you just began to kick, kick, kick! I laughed as I thought you might be saying “Hey buddy, she’s my Mom, back off!” This was the last time I felt you move. Two days later, on the 19th we would find out that your heart was no longer beating on earth and that you were already living with Jesus. I was deeply saddened at our loss of you, our precious Isaac and just couldn’t believe it, I had to make sure. I made the doctor check 3 times on 3 different machines. You laid there still and quiet and I knew you were gone. Within 15 hours, on August 20th, you would be born at 3:23 am and I would have the honor of holding you for the first time in my arms. You were so fragile and small; a whole… beautiful little boy. You were 9 ½ inches long and weighed 7 ounces. Your Grandma Shover was able to hold you and kiss you that night as well. Before we gave you back to the nurse, daddy prayed over you and we again committed you to God.
22 weeks and 2 days… the clock was insignificant… we knew you deeply, a lifetime’s worth.
You are my son, and I love you like I love your brothers. We prayed for you all the time. We never, ever doubted that God could heal you.
I love you Isaac! You sure do have a crazy family, but it is a family that loves you and misses you. We will never forget you!
As I have sang a million times... Blessed be the name of the Lord... today, my knees will bow to the God that gave you to me…and the God who took you from me.
-Love, Your Mommy
We have 2 amazing boys Nathan & Andrew that we love very much and you see, we have always wanted another child. We have tried ever since Andrew was little to get pregnant and nothing happened. In March I thought I was pregnant and this terrified us as it had been almost 10 years at this point. So we took matters into our hands as to making sure we would be done. On April 14th we made certain we were done and on April 20th we found out that I was pregnant after all these years. We sat in shock for several days and just laughed, laughed at what God was doing. We were very excited about what was ahead, yet with a healthy fear of being parents of a newborn baby again.
To Isaac… my heart was filled with joy as we now looked forward to you coming to join our family. Soon the prenatal appointments started and we were especially excited to know that our due date was December 22nd. We loved this because it meant that our family and our friend Tina could be here for the birth, a celebration! Of course your brothers were wondering if having your birthday around Christmas would mean double gifts for you and they were bummed they couldn’t be born around that time too.
May 6th was the first of many ultrasounds and doctor appointments that I was to go to, to make sure you and I were fine. It was so exciting as we saw you today, there you were… a dot, a speck in our eye... but not God’s eye. Amazing… your life is amazing to me.
June 4th was our next ultrasound and wow -how you were growing! We can now see your shaped body and see how big you are getting. I saw your heart beating for the first time, I cried as I saw it fluttering today. We were leaving for your first vacation soon and I wanted to make sure you were healthy before we left. We had a great vacation and I felt you kick for the first time on our flight out of Seattle. Did you know that while you were in my tummy, you went to the beach, to the Grand Canyon, movies, Hoover Dam, to see Stomp, to church, to Mariners games, to help me work, swimming...and so many more places. We wondered where our next trip with you in our family would be.
July 8th was a day I was looking forward to! Your Grandparents from Idaho were flying in that day with your cousins and I had kept my appointment a surprise as we hoped that you would be old enough for us to get a good look at you. It became the day we found out that you had an outtie and not an innie. We saw that yes, you were indeed a boy! It was a special day because our family (G-ma & G-pa Shover and James & Jandee) were here to see you, on screen anyway. Your brothers were getting excited for you to arrive too; we had been having fun planning on where we will place your crib and how we will paint the room you would share with Andrew.
August 5th… was a day we will never forget. I was excited for this ultrasound for 2 reasons, one because I wanted to know for sure you were still a healthy little boy (okay so I was wanting to make sure you were definitely a boy)and secondly your brothers and our friend Tina would be able to come to this appointment and see you for the first time. Little did I know the awkward silence that would come from this ultrasound. We found out devastating news... there was no fluid surrounding you, protecting you and the doctors offered no hope outside of a miracle. You kicked while I listened to them tell me that I should let you go. You, unable to say a word, spoke volumes as we considered what had been laid before us. Isaac, there really was never a choice. You were ours from the moment God ordained it so. There were moments in the darkness during that time when I worried that maybe we should give you to God. We didn't want you to suffer, and we knew that as soon as you were with Him, you would be at peace. But that decision was not for us to make. Before your Daddy and I left that day we just held each other and cried and Daddy led out in prayer for you, there in the darkness of that room.
We prayed for a miracle. I remember telling God a saying that your daddy has said many times, “God we know that You can, we ask that You will!” I remember writing in my journal a reflection of Abraham and Isaac’s story and telling God that I will sacrifice/dedicate you to him, just as we had with Nathan & Andrew and that even if… I would trust Him. Thank you for the many kicks son. I remember making a “deal” with you that as long as you kept moving-I would keep fighting for your life. You have been so brave and courageous, we nicknamed you “The Fighter”.
August 17th was a Sunday night and we had some friends over. I quickly wanted to hold their newly born son and get warmed up for what was soon to be for us. As I held him that night, facing out on my tummy you just began to kick, kick, kick! I laughed as I thought you might be saying “Hey buddy, she’s my Mom, back off!” This was the last time I felt you move. Two days later, on the 19th we would find out that your heart was no longer beating on earth and that you were already living with Jesus. I was deeply saddened at our loss of you, our precious Isaac and just couldn’t believe it, I had to make sure. I made the doctor check 3 times on 3 different machines. You laid there still and quiet and I knew you were gone. Within 15 hours, on August 20th, you would be born at 3:23 am and I would have the honor of holding you for the first time in my arms. You were so fragile and small; a whole… beautiful little boy. You were 9 ½ inches long and weighed 7 ounces. Your Grandma Shover was able to hold you and kiss you that night as well. Before we gave you back to the nurse, daddy prayed over you and we again committed you to God.
22 weeks and 2 days… the clock was insignificant… we knew you deeply, a lifetime’s worth.
You are my son, and I love you like I love your brothers. We prayed for you all the time. We never, ever doubted that God could heal you.
I love you Isaac! You sure do have a crazy family, but it is a family that loves you and misses you. We will never forget you!
As I have sang a million times... Blessed be the name of the Lord... today, my knees will bow to the God that gave you to me…and the God who took you from me.
-Love, Your Mommy
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Letter to My Parents (From Isaac)
The following is a "letter" written by my Dad, from the perspective of our son Isaac who passed away on August 20, 2008 for his memorial today. It was so moving!
September 23, 2008
Dear Mom, Dad, Nathan, and Andrew,
I’m having this letter written from Heaven and I’m asking the angels to deliver it to you.
I feel very badly that I was not able to come and live with you, as your son, and be a brother to Andrew and Nathan. I’m sorry that all this has brought disappointment and caused your hearts to experience sadness. I wanted to come and live with you so badly but God had other plans for my young life. Please try to understand.
The news of my conception brought about a real shock to you both, but soon there was much excitement within your home as you began to make plans for my arrival. It sure made me proud as I realized just how much I was wanted by everyone I became the center of attention and conversation among so many. I sure made you guess as to what I was going to be…a boy or a girl. And I enjoyed all the names that were being suggested by so many. My brothers seemed to have fun going through those baby name books that listed so many ideas and the meanings each name. After it was known that my birth would give you another little boy you chose the name: Isaac James Carlson, and it just seemed to fit. “Laughter” that made my heart glad when I realized that was your expectation of me when I came to live within your home!
I was going to share a bedroom with Andrew and you had plans how you were going to decorate the room with airplanes & clouds, fixing it up just for me. I could hardly wait to arrive, but, little did I know that my Birthday Day would come sooner that I expected. I wasn’t scheduled to arrive into this world until close to Christmas time, 2008. It would be a very special celebration. I could just imagine all the cute clothes, and toys I would receive, and no doubt would be passed around with each one expressing “ooh’s and ahh’s” as to be able to know how sweet I was. I feel very special just thinking about all the attention I was to receive. I was already being talked about within your church family too. Their expectation of me seemed pretty high.
I know my brother’s, Nathan and Andrew would have helped take special care of me and by their being older, would have taught me about life. I would have liked that and I would have felt very proud to be their little brother.
I do not understand why my life was shortened…it would have been my desire to have brought gladness and happiness into your lives, but I trust that those memories would linger and it will only brighten your longing for that reunion day in heaven.
I love you and I want to thank you for all the love you shared with me and for the special conversations you shared with me, too. You are my very special Mommy and Daddy. I’ll be waiting for all those hugs and kisses. Oh, and be sure to tell my Grandpa’s and my Grandma’s that I love them too and will see them in Heaven!
Love,
Isaac
Dear Mom, Dad, Nathan, and Andrew,
I’m having this letter written from Heaven and I’m asking the angels to deliver it to you.
I feel very badly that I was not able to come and live with you, as your son, and be a brother to Andrew and Nathan. I’m sorry that all this has brought disappointment and caused your hearts to experience sadness. I wanted to come and live with you so badly but God had other plans for my young life. Please try to understand.
The news of my conception brought about a real shock to you both, but soon there was much excitement within your home as you began to make plans for my arrival. It sure made me proud as I realized just how much I was wanted by everyone I became the center of attention and conversation among so many. I sure made you guess as to what I was going to be…a boy or a girl. And I enjoyed all the names that were being suggested by so many. My brothers seemed to have fun going through those baby name books that listed so many ideas and the meanings each name. After it was known that my birth would give you another little boy you chose the name: Isaac James Carlson, and it just seemed to fit. “Laughter” that made my heart glad when I realized that was your expectation of me when I came to live within your home!
I was going to share a bedroom with Andrew and you had plans how you were going to decorate the room with airplanes & clouds, fixing it up just for me. I could hardly wait to arrive, but, little did I know that my Birthday Day would come sooner that I expected. I wasn’t scheduled to arrive into this world until close to Christmas time, 2008. It would be a very special celebration. I could just imagine all the cute clothes, and toys I would receive, and no doubt would be passed around with each one expressing “ooh’s and ahh’s” as to be able to know how sweet I was. I feel very special just thinking about all the attention I was to receive. I was already being talked about within your church family too. Their expectation of me seemed pretty high.
I know my brother’s, Nathan and Andrew would have helped take special care of me and by their being older, would have taught me about life. I would have liked that and I would have felt very proud to be their little brother.
I do not understand why my life was shortened…it would have been my desire to have brought gladness and happiness into your lives, but I trust that those memories would linger and it will only brighten your longing for that reunion day in heaven.
I love you and I want to thank you for all the love you shared with me and for the special conversations you shared with me, too. You are my very special Mommy and Daddy. I’ll be waiting for all those hugs and kisses. Oh, and be sure to tell my Grandpa’s and my Grandma’s that I love them too and will see them in Heaven!
Love,
Isaac
Friday, September 19, 2008
Rainbows & Isaac
Well today I am writing with excitement. I hope this doesn't sound weird to you, but to me it is a HUGE thing!!
Right after we had Isaac, he had already passed away, we were pressured into signing documents that would help to take care of his remains. It was 4 am and we just had the worst day imaginable and now they are asking us to make a major decision regarding him. Little did I know how much that choice would affect me and my grieving process.
3 weeks ago I hit rock bottom and went for a drive to our local cemetery and walked around by myself and cried. I kept thinking I have nothing. Now really, I know he is already with Jesus, but I wanted a place where I could go and remember our "laughter". I longed and cried out to God, why I made such a bad decision, I was very angry with me and God. I soon left the cemetery but wasn't ready to go home yet, so off for a drive. It was a miserable day weather wise (and all those in western Washington say amen) raining and windy. As I rounded a corner, there in the sky was a huge beautiful rainbow. I was so mad-I said God you promised us a child, what about now? So much for your promises... isn't this how it goes some days? God just held on to me... God held on to me!!!
This week I went for my last appt. to UW-yeah! I asked when the memorial was supposed to be, see once a year there was to be a memorial at Washelli cemetery in Seattle for those in our situation and I was told it would be in September. She couldn't answer and said someone would call me back. A couple of hours later a social worker calls and said that Isaac was still there at the hospital, that they hold onto the babies for 4 weeks because many parents regret the choice they made. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? See Wednesday this week was 4 weeks and this happened on Tuesday. I was so excited, I called a funeral home in Lacey and they went and got him the next day. So now I get the honor of having a place, an Ebenezer place to remember our son Isaac James. We are having a graveside service this Wednesday to honor his life.
Thank you God!!! Just when I thought you forgot us, you put that rainbow up there to remind me that you do love us and care for those things that matter so much to us. I love you God.
Right after we had Isaac, he had already passed away, we were pressured into signing documents that would help to take care of his remains. It was 4 am and we just had the worst day imaginable and now they are asking us to make a major decision regarding him. Little did I know how much that choice would affect me and my grieving process.
3 weeks ago I hit rock bottom and went for a drive to our local cemetery and walked around by myself and cried. I kept thinking I have nothing. Now really, I know he is already with Jesus, but I wanted a place where I could go and remember our "laughter". I longed and cried out to God, why I made such a bad decision, I was very angry with me and God. I soon left the cemetery but wasn't ready to go home yet, so off for a drive. It was a miserable day weather wise (and all those in western Washington say amen) raining and windy. As I rounded a corner, there in the sky was a huge beautiful rainbow. I was so mad-I said God you promised us a child, what about now? So much for your promises... isn't this how it goes some days? God just held on to me... God held on to me!!!
This week I went for my last appt. to UW-yeah! I asked when the memorial was supposed to be, see once a year there was to be a memorial at Washelli cemetery in Seattle for those in our situation and I was told it would be in September. She couldn't answer and said someone would call me back. A couple of hours later a social worker calls and said that Isaac was still there at the hospital, that they hold onto the babies for 4 weeks because many parents regret the choice they made. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? See Wednesday this week was 4 weeks and this happened on Tuesday. I was so excited, I called a funeral home in Lacey and they went and got him the next day. So now I get the honor of having a place, an Ebenezer place to remember our son Isaac James. We are having a graveside service this Wednesday to honor his life.
Thank you God!!! Just when I thought you forgot us, you put that rainbow up there to remind me that you do love us and care for those things that matter so much to us. I love you God.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Closing A Chapter
Well today was our last appointment at UW, praise God! Not that it wasn't great care up there, because they were amazing, even more so in our time of loss. It was a sealing off of a chapter in our lives. It was our first time back up there since we lost our precious son Isaac. It was tough going into the appt. and tougher when a lady sat down literally right by Brad when there was a room full of empty seats with her 2 month old baby girl. She was so adorable and all squishy sticking her tushy out as she slept and her mom was trying to wake her up to eat. I did considerably well though...
I tell you, I can feel God's arms around me, it is like He is holding my hand, knowing I am a super freak right now (-:
Yesterday at church one of the songs we sang had a line that kept saying "Jesus, I believe in You. Jesus, I belong to You. You're the reason that I live, the reason that I song... with all I am". I tell you what... I could not sing this song. I kept focusing in on the line that said "You're the reason that I live". Why me?
Here is the rest of the song:
Into Your hands, I commit again
With all I am for You Lord
You hold my world, in the palm of Your hand
And I am Yours forever
Jesus, I believe in You
Jesus, I belong to You
You're the reason that I live
The reason that I sing
With all I am
I'll walk with You wherever You go
Through tears and joy, I'll trust in You
And I will live in all of Your ways
Your promises forever
God knows I love music, it speaks so much to me. I love to sing and I haven't got my "sing" back on yet. Watch out - it may be coming soon!! I can't sing right now without bawling like a sissy girl so who knows when it will happen. I will probably include more songs later as the days come, it is healing for me. I hope it encourages you like it does me.
Oh yes today started off crazy by the way. Our Andrew, he is 10, had a rough start today. For the past day he has been holding on tight to our bear, Isaac. I will tell you about that tomorrow... Anyway, he has been holding him, giving him hugs and wrapping him in a blanket-so cute and it melts my heart as his momma. Today when he woke up he was holding "Isaac" and he was grumpy, not wanting to get up for school. So as the hour progressed he was poking like a turtle and emotional as I tried to get him to stay focused so he is not late. We take off for school and soon into our drive I give him the play by play of our after school plans of his brother riding the bus home with him. After I was done, he asked me "Mom, are you going to be coming home this time from UW?" That broke my heart, last time we went up there- I was missing in action for 3 days, unplanned, as I gave birth to his brother and came home empty handed... I assured him that yes, I would be coming home today. Within a few minutes, a squirrel was trying to get across the busy 2 lane street that was filled with cars on both sides and who gets to be the one to hit him? Mom!!! That is what I heard in disgust and soon after were tears from him. I felt like an idiot. My son who is already hurting and having a rough morning just got another blow to his little heart. I am thankful for prayer because I am happy to say that he is doing great and actually joking a bit about the squirrel.
Good Night!
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Table in the Wilderness
So there is a song that has spoken to my husband and I through this rough time in our lives. We reverted back to our old 80's Christian rock stuff and came upon Russ Taff. Now I am sorry to say Russ, that we always have skipped this song previously... but God knew when we needed to hear each word the most. August 22, 2008 this song has rocked our world by reminding us that you are faithful. Here are the words:
There's a table in the wilderness
Where the blind can see and the poor possess
Where the weak are strong
And the first one's last
There's a table in the wilderness
There's a table in the wilderness
Where the blesses sing of His tenderness
Where the lame can walk and the weary rest
At the table in the wilderness
When you search for so hard for the promised land
But the earth won't yield to your blistered hand
And you hang your head as you wipe your brow
And you shout it out, shout it out!
There's a table in the wilderness
Where the blind can see and the poor possess
Where the weak are strong
And the first one's last
There's a table in the wilderness
Where the blind can see and the poor possess
Where the weak are strong
And the first one's last
There's a table in the wilderness
When you close your eyes kneeling by your bed
All the working hours spinning through your head
You remember the place that your heart desires
Where you found your life, you found life
There's a table in the wilderness
There's a table in the wilderness
All is welcome
Living water
Come find life
Come find peace
Come find rest
I am so glad that even in this wilderness time of my life, He has a table out there and it has just what I need, what I crave and what will sustain me, no empty calories! (-:
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Pain Still?
Well tonight I went to go to dinner and a movie with a few friends, no big deal, could use the time out so was excited to go. We were going to see a "chick flick" my husband would probably never like. Dinner was great, the movie was great until... the very last scene. It showed, not literally, a woman having a baby and all of her friends were there to help her and witness the great event. There were shouts of joy as the baby emerged and was announced that it was a baby boy! I started bawling like a baby! Having suffered a very recent stillbirth with our son Isaac James it was too much for me to handle. I tried to quickly excuse myself after the movie and practically ran to my car to head home. My poor friends were texting me and apologizing for taking me to that kind of movie, no one could have known...
I know that there will be pain for quite a while and that it will come and go for years. I don't know why I am in such a hurry to get on with life as I once knew it. I guess that is the world we live in and what I am used to as well. You get told sorry and you move on... his life was so precious -how do you move on?
Jesus, I need you so desperately to breath into my spirit hope again. I need you and want you so badly to just come and wrap your arms around me and say that it will be okay. Please God let me rest tonight... fill me with peace as I sleep. I love you!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
3 Weeks now and random thoughts
Okay, so here are some random thoughts about my last 3 weeks.
Just when you think you can see some sunshine again... here come the clouds.
I never knew that you could love someone you have never "met" so deeply.
When are the "what if's" & "why's" going to end?(what if I had done bed rest?, what if I hadn't helped do this or that?,what if I had gone to the doc earlier when I felt something was wrong?, what is God trying to teach me?) or (why did this happen after the miracle that took place to even conceive Isaac?, why did God allow this to happen? why am I hurting so badly?, why is God punishing me/my family? What have I done wrong?)
The weirdest feeling was a few days afterwards when I could still feel him "kicking". The doctor said these are "phantom kicks" - what a crazy feeling after you lose your child - but feel like he is still in there.
I need patience, this is for sure. I, on one hand want to close, seal off this chapter of my life. Pack it away so that someday down the road if I want to open it back up I can, but I WANT it packed away. Guess what? I can't pack it away. As much as I want to... I will never forget. So all the packing away of all the baby books, maternity clothes may have gotten it out of sight but you can't take away the pain and my empty arms. So please be patient with me.
There may be times that I tell you that I can't do something with you or go somewhere with you. Don't be hurt or angry with me... just trust that some things set off emotions that you don't want to be around or see. Some days I want to be with a friend, just not alone, and other times I have to be alone. So please try and understand.
Only God can heal & help me & my family through this, this I know. I am certain of His love for us even though I do not understand His ways and will never. I do trust Him even though I am angry and don't understand, I know He is with me.
I love you son! You sure do have a crazy family, but it is a family that loves you and misses you.
Just when you think you can see some sunshine again... here come the clouds.
I never knew that you could love someone you have never "met" so deeply.
When are the "what if's" & "why's" going to end?(what if I had done bed rest?, what if I hadn't helped do this or that?,what if I had gone to the doc earlier when I felt something was wrong?, what is God trying to teach me?) or (why did this happen after the miracle that took place to even conceive Isaac?, why did God allow this to happen? why am I hurting so badly?, why is God punishing me/my family? What have I done wrong?)
The weirdest feeling was a few days afterwards when I could still feel him "kicking". The doctor said these are "phantom kicks" - what a crazy feeling after you lose your child - but feel like he is still in there.
I need patience, this is for sure. I, on one hand want to close, seal off this chapter of my life. Pack it away so that someday down the road if I want to open it back up I can, but I WANT it packed away. Guess what? I can't pack it away. As much as I want to... I will never forget. So all the packing away of all the baby books, maternity clothes may have gotten it out of sight but you can't take away the pain and my empty arms. So please be patient with me.
There may be times that I tell you that I can't do something with you or go somewhere with you. Don't be hurt or angry with me... just trust that some things set off emotions that you don't want to be around or see. Some days I want to be with a friend, just not alone, and other times I have to be alone. So please try and understand.
Only God can heal & help me & my family through this, this I know. I am certain of His love for us even though I do not understand His ways and will never. I do trust Him even though I am angry and don't understand, I know He is with me.
I love you son! You sure do have a crazy family, but it is a family that loves you and misses you.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Loss of our son Isaac
Loss... Wow, what a word. 4 letters in this small word, but they are powerful.
It is with much sadness that I tell you today that Isaac Carlson went to be in the arms of Jesus on Aug. 20th at 3:23 in the morning.
We have known for 2 weeks that his life could be in jeopardy, but chose to fight for his life while his heart was still beating. It is hard looking back now on this decision but it was right! Isaac, while we never "knew" you, we "knew" you!! I have felt your kicks and somersaults and been overwhelmed with joy at the thought of you. We had planned with great anticipation of your arrival to our home. Dreamed of how to arrange your room you would share with Andrew, painting airplanes on the wall and where we would put your bed, of course Andrew wanted you close to him... only to realize now that you are flying. You are with all our loved ones who are already in heaven and you are watching over us. We thought today as we traveled home how you have already been so many places. We wonder which one was your favorite, if you had a "Top 10" like we did. You have been to the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Alki Beach, Hoover Dam and many pools with us this summer plus Mariners games. We will miss you buddy!
It was the worst feeling leaving the hospital today, not because I didn't want to leave, believe me, I wanted to be out of there yesterday! But having had 2 children already, the joy of rolling your stuff out, being in a wheelchair holding my bundle of joy with a balloon tied to me and the hoop-la of a newborn baby. Today it was me, in my maternity clothes, with my Mom and Brad, going to the car in silence, filled with sadness at the emptiness of my arms. Never have I realized the depth of the pain other women faced, who, like me, have lost your child. To go through the steps of labor: being induced - labor pains - all that other stuff - for a child who will never smile back at you or coo at you hurts so deeply. Forgive me for being so honest. On Wednesday morning after giving birth it was an honor to hold Isaac briefly and tell him what a blessing he is to our lives and what a fighter he was-it was an honor. Is this easy? Absolutely not! The hardest thing I have ever done in my life. God gives and He takes away, it is not up to me.
I often think of the other connotation of the name "Isaac", the one from the Bible. Abraham was Isaac's dad and well, like our story Isaac was not to be, he was a miracle child to Abraham and his wife. But God told Abraham to go and sacrifice Isaac to him, God wanted to see if Abraham would give back to Him what really was His idea anyway, his son Isaac. Abraham did, he was ready to sacrifice his precious gift from God when God said no, this guy is going to live because you have not with held him from me. I want God to say that of us, as hard as this is to walk through and it isn't over.
We will always know that we have 3 sons (Nathan, Andrew & Isaac) you are part of our family and will never forget you. We love you Isaac, thanks for letting us be a part of your life. You made us laugh!
Love to you Always, Your Mommy
Friday, August 15, 2008
Ah, the sound of his heart brings joy!
First of all, let me thank you for your many prayers and notes of encouragement! They have kept us strong. I am beginning to post them and Scriptures that God gives us all over the house. We need to focus on what God can do!
We had another appt today at UW, we weren't looking forward to it as last week didn't prove hopeful and honestly, just plain disheartening. We met with the same doctor, still making it very clear that we are going to move forward with the pregnancy, much to their dismay, this is so sad by the way (they see children as disposable). Anyway... it went good, the doctor listened to us and said she will help us as we try, this is all we can do and the rest is up to God and the "fight" in Isaac, our son. They still give us no hope, but our hope is not in them at this time, it is in God.
Psalm 39:7 And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.
We have an appt once a week up there for the next 2 weeks. The plan is that I will be admitted to UW on Sept. 3rd for 3 days to 3 months. We do not know yet the total length, it will depend on how Isaac is doing and any infection, if any, I have. They will give him 2 doses of steroids (via me) to booster his lungs, they are our main concern and I will be monitored for any infection. Once my water broke, 4 weeks ago, I have been prone to serious problems/infections, but let me say, I have none thus far-PRAISE GOD!!
Please continue to pray specifically for:
1. A Bag of Water to form as a cushion around Isaac and stay (-:
2. Isaac's lungs to develop and protection over his body still being formed
3. Protection from any infection in my body
4. Our Family - we have been on an emotional roller coaster, thank you for your patience with us. Nathan and Andrew need prayer too. (-:
We love you! We are so moved by all the prayer and support from our church family, friends, family & even complete strangers. For those in Yelm... yes, we will see you on Sunday!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
In Need of a Miracle
So here I am tonight sitting here at the computer again trying to find stories of women who have been in the same predicament as I am. You know, contrary to what the docs are saying there sure are a lot of women. I am tired of getting no answers to helping preserve my son's life. All I am given is NO hope from the docs, no helps as to what I can do, only testimonies from others online who are probably not published in the medical books. Why? Because they are walking miracles and so are their kids.Stinkin' my whole life is a miracle! I was not to be... my parents were told they would have no children biologically. Then while my Mom was 6 months pregnant she had to have a serious surgery, I was not to be again. Then in 2nd grade I died for a few minutes after surgery, I am a miracle. We all are!! We are given life, sometimes we don't even know the times our lives were spared. God does and wow...
Isaac, I am so excited to be your mommy! Honestly, after we heard the news that I was pregnant we were so shocked and all we could do was laugh, laugh at God's timing. We know now that God's timing is the best! Your name means laughter and this is the reason for your name, we believe you have and will bring much laughter into our lives and family. We can't begin to imagine losing you now, we would be so sad, you are wanted! We can't wait to meet you. Your brothers are waiting for the chance for you to give them a good poke so they know I am not lying that you are bumping me, so poke away! You have so many prayers going up for you, I can't even begin to count them. We are all believing God for a miracle for you, keep kicking babe-I am fighting for you!
God we know that you can-we ask that you will!! God, we trust you, I trust you even though this is the roughest thing I have ever had to walk through. If you choose to take Isaac earlier than I would like, I will still hold tight to you, no matter how hard it would be. You are my rock!
Isaac, I am so excited to be your mommy! Honestly, after we heard the news that I was pregnant we were so shocked and all we could do was laugh, laugh at God's timing. We know now that God's timing is the best! Your name means laughter and this is the reason for your name, we believe you have and will bring much laughter into our lives and family. We can't begin to imagine losing you now, we would be so sad, you are wanted! We can't wait to meet you. Your brothers are waiting for the chance for you to give them a good poke so they know I am not lying that you are bumping me, so poke away! You have so many prayers going up for you, I can't even begin to count them. We are all believing God for a miracle for you, keep kicking babe-I am fighting for you!
Psalm 139:13-16 "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."
God we know that you can-we ask that you will!! God, we trust you, I trust you even though this is the roughest thing I have ever had to walk through. If you choose to take Isaac earlier than I would like, I will still hold tight to you, no matter how hard it would be. You are my rock!
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