My heart has been aching again lately. It is some "Isaac" and it is partly because my boys are growing up so fast I can hardly believe it. Mostly though, it is ministry. Connections.
I grew up in a pastor's home, a home where my parents always said that it is a bad idea to have friends in the church where you serve. I never really understood this, and as a young person was like sure... I guess I understand. My Mom did have a best friend in the church where I grew up in my younger years. I called her my 2nd Mom. She had all authority under heaven and earth to discipline me and love me the same as my Mom would do to her kiddos. They were and still are like sisters. Although I don't know how transparent my Mom was to her when we served at the church for 12 years, if she was able to open her heart and let her know the things that troubled her, the things that made her smile. I guess I will have to ask my Mom and see.
I believe in being transparent with people. I want people to be the same back, no facade. This is how my husband & I function in the ministry and church we serve at. However, it doesn't come without heartbreak and struggle and joys.
I will get right down to what is going on in my spirit.
I hurt. I hurt for those to which I am vulnerable. They get vulnerable and there seems to be a connection for a lifelong friendship. Then all of a sudden, they are gone without so much as a phone call, a letter or a meeting. Silence. What was going on? Am I the only one that put it all on the line? I feel like someone who was cheated on, spit on & left in the road to fill in the blanks as to what went wrong.
I have not reached out to others in hopes that one day they would turn and scratch my back. I hope and pray that I have ministered because I love them and have wanted what is best for them. There have been many long hours of counseling, moving people, reconciling them with their loved ones, helped them through kicking life threatening habits all to be thrown aside and leave in silence. I do not understand. I thought we were "friends". Ladies that I have poured my heart out to and they have in turn, done the same. People that I would do anything for, maybe therein lies my issue...? I am not the glue, I am not a babysitter - my desire is that you grow up in the Lord.
I am trying to learn from these times and let go. It makes me realize as to why I do not want to open up to others, even those who beg and plead and say, "Susie, you can be real with us!". Because one day they will hightail it out of here without so much as an I love you, sorry things aren't working out. Either way, I need God's help to suck it up and keep moving.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, August 19, 2011
3 years
Three years... oh the challenges of a 3 year old little boy. What crazier times we would be having as a family with a 3 year old in this mix of raising 2 teenagers. Life has gone on, some days to my chagrin. There are still days where the smallest, sometimes weirdest, thing will set me off thinking about how things would have been. However, they are fewer and farther between, which sometimes makes me feel guilty. I know that while I will never forget him and the impact his little life had on us, I... don't want to re-live every detail year after year either.
We were in a store a couple months ago & it had a "Cars 2" display of clothes and toys for kids. I broke down right there in the store bawling. I thought of how much Isaac would've loved Disney's Cars movie & how we would have loved buying him a special t-shirt or toy. I loved those moments with our older 2 boys and loved watching their faces light up, I miss having that moment with Isaac.
I never had a choice, a say, in whether he made it through the fight of his life or not. Seems unfair.
Today, August 19th 2011 I admit... I still struggle.
Still those moments on that early afternoon of being told he was gone, rocked my world forever.... being told to come back in 2 hours & they would induce labor to deliver him. I still remember getting in the car at the UW parking garage, turned the car on to head who knows where, and the song "Breathe" was playing. This is the air I breathe. This is the air I breathe. Your Holy presence living in me... my how those words stung my heart. OH GOD!! THIS IS NOT FAIR. HE WAS NOT BREATHING OR LIVING IN ME!!! HE WAS GONE. I WOULD NEVER GET TO SEE HIM SMILE, SEE HIM OPEN HIS EYES OR HEAR HIS FIRST CRY! WHY GOD?
Obviously I know the song is talking about God, but my gut was screaming out, I still feel a scream rise up now. Our prayer from August 5th on was that air would return to his lungs, that he would be able to breathe, so this song playing was bitter in my spirit at that moment and sometimes still today. We sang this 2 weeks ago & it knocked me to the floor, not literally, but figuratively. I struggled all week, wrestling again with God and my own feelings of abandonment from every support system I thought I had, including Him. Ah, once again a dark valley, but it was a place where my husband nudged me, shoved me off a cliff, threw me overboard- ha ha- to lay it all out before God again. I thought yeah okay, whatever Brad... but as I went to be alone and began to talk to God about my fears, disappointments, hurt, betrayal and on and on and on... then listen for Him, I just felt as if He was giving me a hug. I needed that... to not feel alone in this journey.
You know what though? I feel as though I am normal, that I am doing alright and that this is a normal part of grieving.
This is a season, an August season of remembering our boy. And YES GOD, thank you for holding me/us together.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Labor of Love
I've been thinking a lot about the "Labor of Love" in regards to ministry. Being pastor's and serving others is probably the hardest, yet most rewarding calling ever, in my eyes.
I have been comparing it to an actual birthing labor. In my circumstances, I received a reward of 2 healthy boys, hearing their first cry was precious. However, I also had the heartache of labor with no reward, a still born baby boy, met with silence.
Our place of ministering has not been easy, yet we have seen many miracles & God's grace at work in lives time after time, after time. I knew when we moved here 11 years ago that this would be a difficult place to serve, so we prayed even harder to make sure all the road signs said "Go here!" I know that in this battle of life and ministry here, there have been countless times I want to quit. So goes my story...
What happens to a woman in labor if she decides that half way through giving birth, she decides to get outta there?
The pain is not worth it, she cannot yet see the results of her labor. And can I say, each woman's experience of labor, even from child to child is so different and mine from other women. There are screamers, panters, grunters, peaceful (if you had an epidural) and focused. Somehow in the middle of your labor, it is easy to lose sight of the goal, the reward of holding your child.
I can remember when I was in labor for what seemed like forever with our oldest son. My sister happened to be in town from out of state and was able to be there for his birth. She drove me crazy, absolutely drove me nuts!! Our son was so big that the pushing phase lasted for hours, not minutes or pushes... we just plain lost count. She would see glimpses of him and yell, "Go, push him out, I can see his head, you can do it"!! After 30 minutes to an hour of this I said "STOP IT! Please be quiet, SHUT UP!!"
In ministry, I am finding myself ready to get up off the table and say this just isn't worth it. My pain and losses far outweigh the joy of the results of the reward. So many people have bailed on "the labor", sometimes leaving in a huff because they don't like how long it is taking for us to make changes. Then there are others who leave quietly, sneaking out a back door, not saying a word, these hurt the most. I am there to labor alone, wondering what happened. Then you have a crowd that tells you how you are going to do it, no if's, and's or but's about it and you just want to scream, "Be quiet!"
Jonah was famous for saying he didn't want to go to "those people", for even when he saw the state of their lives and city, he did not care. He had a mentality of "they made their bed, they didn't seem eager to change their ways" so he bailed on them. He left in the middle of the labor of love God called him to.
I care and that is what hurts. I love those we serve here, I want to make a difference in my city. I want to be obedient and am trying to be patient, my biggest downfall.
It is hard right now... at this very moment, to be still, focus and remember that the reward is coming.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NLT says, "That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."
The Message version says it like this, "So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."
I have been comparing it to an actual birthing labor. In my circumstances, I received a reward of 2 healthy boys, hearing their first cry was precious. However, I also had the heartache of labor with no reward, a still born baby boy, met with silence.
Our place of ministering has not been easy, yet we have seen many miracles & God's grace at work in lives time after time, after time. I knew when we moved here 11 years ago that this would be a difficult place to serve, so we prayed even harder to make sure all the road signs said "Go here!" I know that in this battle of life and ministry here, there have been countless times I want to quit. So goes my story...
What happens to a woman in labor if she decides that half way through giving birth, she decides to get outta there?
The pain is not worth it, she cannot yet see the results of her labor. And can I say, each woman's experience of labor, even from child to child is so different and mine from other women. There are screamers, panters, grunters, peaceful (if you had an epidural) and focused. Somehow in the middle of your labor, it is easy to lose sight of the goal, the reward of holding your child.
I can remember when I was in labor for what seemed like forever with our oldest son. My sister happened to be in town from out of state and was able to be there for his birth. She drove me crazy, absolutely drove me nuts!! Our son was so big that the pushing phase lasted for hours, not minutes or pushes... we just plain lost count. She would see glimpses of him and yell, "Go, push him out, I can see his head, you can do it"!! After 30 minutes to an hour of this I said "STOP IT! Please be quiet, SHUT UP!!"
In ministry, I am finding myself ready to get up off the table and say this just isn't worth it. My pain and losses far outweigh the joy of the results of the reward. So many people have bailed on "the labor", sometimes leaving in a huff because they don't like how long it is taking for us to make changes. Then there are others who leave quietly, sneaking out a back door, not saying a word, these hurt the most. I am there to labor alone, wondering what happened. Then you have a crowd that tells you how you are going to do it, no if's, and's or but's about it and you just want to scream, "Be quiet!"
Jonah was famous for saying he didn't want to go to "those people", for even when he saw the state of their lives and city, he did not care. He had a mentality of "they made their bed, they didn't seem eager to change their ways" so he bailed on them. He left in the middle of the labor of love God called him to.
I care and that is what hurts. I love those we serve here, I want to make a difference in my city. I want to be obedient and am trying to be patient, my biggest downfall.
It is hard right now... at this very moment, to be still, focus and remember that the reward is coming.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NLT says, "That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."
The Message version says it like this, "So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Healing Moments
As I reflect on the past 2 days there have many "pauses". Last year I was distracted with giving back, that out of my pain there would be a blessing for someone else. I was scurrying around collecting items from friends to put in a basket and working up the strength to follow through, to go to UW with someone else in mind. This year... this month, is night and day different for me. I am reliving every detail, day by day. Sometimes it brings a smile, a closeness to my family but tears mostly. I still can't believe how there was a miracle of life and then he was gone. Without ever seeing his eyes open, a smile as he looked at his brothers, Brad & I watching him sleep or holding him close to me. I miss my son.
In April Brad and I attended a network conference for pastors in Vancouver, Washington. The very first day we got settled into our hotel room, got dressed up for the night and I realized I left my medicine at home for my diabetes. We made contact with someone to pick it up and meet us halfway, this means we will miss most of the conference that night. Brad & I head north and all we do is sit and laugh at my mistake, bummed we were missing our favorite speaker. We pick it up and head back, as we are about 30 minutes out of the city, our friend calls and says church is over, meet us at Red Robin. We headed straight there, knowing it would be packed in a matter of minutes and needed to save many seats. I know, I know... I promise I am getting to the good stuff!
Brad and I get seated at a large table and wait... while we wait we see across the room some friends from Eastern Washington. We haven't seen them in nearly 2 years. We both got up from the table and went to hug them, see they are special to us, we were united in a fight for our boys in August of 2008. We went to UW for an appt after we had been told in Olympia by doctors that there was no hope for our son. That we needed to make a decision whether to abort/end his life, let them induce labor for me, knowing that he would pass and we could maybe see him alive for a few moments or continue knowing my life and his was at risk. As we waited in the waiting room that day in Seattle here walks in our friends, the Creek's. They were told similar news a week prior, with a different circumstance threatening their son. We sat in that waiting room talking to one another, crying and holding each other up in prayer. Their son was born in November 2008, has had many heart issues, but God has helped them through it all, Braden is a miracle!! We have prayed for this family, watched as she has blogged with updates -thanking God for Braden. This night in April 2010 we see Braden in person for the first time. Tears came as she held him out to me, we enjoyed our surprise, a "God moment" that night with them.
What a happy little guy he is and to feel his little chest, his heart beating with help from a pace maker, he is healthy and thriving and a sweetie.
He didn't know us at all but was happy to let us hold him. As we were in meetings the next few days we kept running into them, smiling at little Braden. The last night Brad & I got seperated as we were wandering around saying goodbye to friends.
I came into the foyer to try and find him and he was up with Jenni and Braden on the stairwell, she had just handed him Braden and was taking a picture of them. I went up and held him again also, but he was loving those stairs... LOL It made my heart glad and then more tears.
God please help me as I navigate through another season of grief. I realize that I need not rush it, face it as it hits and always go to You for all I need. I don't understand why You allowed it but I trust You. Even though it hurts and my heart is aching I will trust. Thank you God for my family, they have been such a strength for me and my "go to" for hugs.
In April Brad and I attended a network conference for pastors in Vancouver, Washington. The very first day we got settled into our hotel room, got dressed up for the night and I realized I left my medicine at home for my diabetes. We made contact with someone to pick it up and meet us halfway, this means we will miss most of the conference that night. Brad & I head north and all we do is sit and laugh at my mistake, bummed we were missing our favorite speaker. We pick it up and head back, as we are about 30 minutes out of the city, our friend calls and says church is over, meet us at Red Robin. We headed straight there, knowing it would be packed in a matter of minutes and needed to save many seats. I know, I know... I promise I am getting to the good stuff!
Brad and I get seated at a large table and wait... while we wait we see across the room some friends from Eastern Washington. We haven't seen them in nearly 2 years. We both got up from the table and went to hug them, see they are special to us, we were united in a fight for our boys in August of 2008. We went to UW for an appt after we had been told in Olympia by doctors that there was no hope for our son. That we needed to make a decision whether to abort/end his life, let them induce labor for me, knowing that he would pass and we could maybe see him alive for a few moments or continue knowing my life and his was at risk. As we waited in the waiting room that day in Seattle here walks in our friends, the Creek's. They were told similar news a week prior, with a different circumstance threatening their son. We sat in that waiting room talking to one another, crying and holding each other up in prayer. Their son was born in November 2008, has had many heart issues, but God has helped them through it all, Braden is a miracle!! We have prayed for this family, watched as she has blogged with updates -thanking God for Braden. This night in April 2010 we see Braden in person for the first time. Tears came as she held him out to me, we enjoyed our surprise, a "God moment" that night with them.
What a happy little guy he is and to feel his little chest, his heart beating with help from a pace maker, he is healthy and thriving and a sweetie.
He didn't know us at all but was happy to let us hold him. As we were in meetings the next few days we kept running into them, smiling at little Braden. The last night Brad & I got seperated as we were wandering around saying goodbye to friends.
I came into the foyer to try and find him and he was up with Jenni and Braden on the stairwell, she had just handed him Braden and was taking a picture of them. I went up and held him again also, but he was loving those stairs... LOL It made my heart glad and then more tears.
God please help me as I navigate through another season of grief. I realize that I need not rush it, face it as it hits and always go to You for all I need. I don't understand why You allowed it but I trust You. Even though it hurts and my heart is aching I will trust. Thank you God for my family, they have been such a strength for me and my "go to" for hugs.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Blessed to Share
Last summer I was looking for a way to remember, commemorate Isaac's life. I began asking 2 ladies who had gone through similar circumstances what they did. The founder of "The Tears Foundation", Sarah Slack, gave me the idea to have a baby shower. Then give what you receive to the hospital to be given to the first boy born that day, August 20, 2008. There was no way I could throw a shower at that time, was sooo not ready. I did however take her advice and tweak it. I sent letters & emails out to all all our friends and family asking for baby boy items. I want to bless another Mom and her son through his life. I thought I would be getting away with any emotional tie for now, but no, as soon as the goodies, and wonderful ones they were began coming in I was sad. I focused on what this would mean however to a new Mom and that kept me going. A friend from church made a beautiful card to be placed inside the baskets of goodies in memory of Isaac.
I couldn't believe all the wonderful things everyone donated! I had gone shopping to buy a nice basket to put it all in and ended up having to go back & purchase another. I would've had to buy another except one of the gifts were in a huge one already, we just added more to it. Brad's secretary came over and helped me arrange them so it would all fit and then we sat on the floor wrapping them up. Now they were perfect (-:
Three friends were going to go with me to the hospital, when they came over Brad prayed over the baskets, that they would bless someone BIG. My friend Stacy drove us (Renee, Paula & I)to University of Washington on that Wednesday, August 19th, yes I skipped Bible study. They had been a huge support for me and knew they would be strong. We got to UW and then headed for the labor and delivery dept., I had already called to make sure it was okay to do this, took all 4 of us to carry it all in. This was the only moment I struggled, here were 4 of us, looking like we were going to see & present our best friend with gifts who had just had a baby. The fanfare that wasn't there when I left the year prior, just silence and empthy arms. Focus Susie, focus I said to myself. The nurse promised it would go to the first boy born on the 20th. God, please bless, out of our pain and loss, may all these incredible things blow some Mom's mind.
We left Seattle and went for dinner together, had a good time with friends who had walked through this year alongside us. Thank you God!
I couldn't believe all the wonderful things everyone donated! I had gone shopping to buy a nice basket to put it all in and ended up having to go back & purchase another. I would've had to buy another except one of the gifts were in a huge one already, we just added more to it. Brad's secretary came over and helped me arrange them so it would all fit and then we sat on the floor wrapping them up. Now they were perfect (-:
Three friends were going to go with me to the hospital, when they came over Brad prayed over the baskets, that they would bless someone BIG. My friend Stacy drove us (Renee, Paula & I)to University of Washington on that Wednesday, August 19th, yes I skipped Bible study. They had been a huge support for me and knew they would be strong. We got to UW and then headed for the labor and delivery dept., I had already called to make sure it was okay to do this, took all 4 of us to carry it all in. This was the only moment I struggled, here were 4 of us, looking like we were going to see & present our best friend with gifts who had just had a baby. The fanfare that wasn't there when I left the year prior, just silence and empthy arms. Focus Susie, focus I said to myself. The nurse promised it would go to the first boy born on the 20th. God, please bless, out of our pain and loss, may all these incredible things blow some Mom's mind.
We left Seattle and went for dinner together, had a good time with friends who had walked through this year alongside us. Thank you God!
Never Forgotten
Wow, I guess it has been over a year since I last posted anything. Grief is a crazy thing, some days I am filled with hope of seeing Isaac again and other days I am completely broken. The brokeness has come in spurts for me this past year, haven't had a complete falling apart for awhile until today. It has been a rough one because I remember and am filled with emotion and heartache again.
Isaac, you are not forgotten. You were wanted. Your life mattered. I love you!
August 5, 2008 we were hit with devastating news that your life was in jeopardy. Today it all came rushing back, fresh, like it was yesterday. I could hardly wait to have the ultrasound that day, our boys came to get a better look and Tina & Joseph were with us to confirm you were indeed a boy. Little did I know that our world would be forever changed within a matter of 30 minutes. It was so quiet during the exam, as she rolled the thing over my tummy to check you out, she was silent. I remember thinking, well how rude, tell us what you're looking at, that's why the gang was there. Awkward silence. She excused herself to get a radiologist, I must have been a dummy that day, didn't get suspicious at all. As he walked into the room he pointed out that there was very little fluid surrounding you. It was an urgent problem and that I should go directly upstairs to my OB doctor to get further instructions. I "knew" what this meant, though he chose his words carefully, I "knew". As I went into the restroom off the room Brad excused Tina and the boys. I came out and we stood there alone in the dark & embraced. How could this be? What does this mean? We just held each other and cried and then Brad prayed over your life.
We were told there was no hope, none at all for your life that day. I would not and could not accept that. They were not factoring in You- God. The doctor laid out the facts, our "options". I am sorry but those options, they suck. We will go with option Z please, none of the above. We will trust God. You were fighting and I would fight too. As we came into the lobby Brad went one direction out of the clinic calling our family, friends and church family asking them to pray. We had yet to tell our boys, Joseph and Tina the depth of our need. As we neared the van we told them our news and cried. From that point on, we were in a fog. Nothing mattered except our family and God... period.
Our family went into "cave" mode. We pulled each other in tight, prayed night and day, crying and fighting for your precious life. Ahhh... your life. Sweet words to my ears as I type. Your precious, sweet face Isaac boy -thats what I long to see when I get to heaven. You are never forgotten son. I miss you and we miss you.
Isaac, you are not forgotten. You were wanted. Your life mattered. I love you!
August 5, 2008 we were hit with devastating news that your life was in jeopardy. Today it all came rushing back, fresh, like it was yesterday. I could hardly wait to have the ultrasound that day, our boys came to get a better look and Tina & Joseph were with us to confirm you were indeed a boy. Little did I know that our world would be forever changed within a matter of 30 minutes. It was so quiet during the exam, as she rolled the thing over my tummy to check you out, she was silent. I remember thinking, well how rude, tell us what you're looking at, that's why the gang was there. Awkward silence. She excused herself to get a radiologist, I must have been a dummy that day, didn't get suspicious at all. As he walked into the room he pointed out that there was very little fluid surrounding you. It was an urgent problem and that I should go directly upstairs to my OB doctor to get further instructions. I "knew" what this meant, though he chose his words carefully, I "knew". As I went into the restroom off the room Brad excused Tina and the boys. I came out and we stood there alone in the dark & embraced. How could this be? What does this mean? We just held each other and cried and then Brad prayed over your life.
We were told there was no hope, none at all for your life that day. I would not and could not accept that. They were not factoring in You- God. The doctor laid out the facts, our "options". I am sorry but those options, they suck. We will go with option Z please, none of the above. We will trust God. You were fighting and I would fight too. As we came into the lobby Brad went one direction out of the clinic calling our family, friends and church family asking them to pray. We had yet to tell our boys, Joseph and Tina the depth of our need. As we neared the van we told them our news and cried. From that point on, we were in a fog. Nothing mattered except our family and God... period.
Our family went into "cave" mode. We pulled each other in tight, prayed night and day, crying and fighting for your precious life. Ahhh... your life. Sweet words to my ears as I type. Your precious, sweet face Isaac boy -thats what I long to see when I get to heaven. You are never forgotten son. I miss you and we miss you.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Be Strong & Courageous
Joshua 1:9 says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
This was a verse given to us by a family friend soon after we knew Isaac's life was in jeopardy. I held on tight to it that day as we headed up to UW for another appointment. At that time it breathed strength and courage in me as we were walking through the toughest time in our lives as a family, couple & asindividuals. I remember quoting it in the car as we went on the road trip up there. Believing it with every fiber in my being. The past 11 months I have not liked that verse... not at all. I feel as though the carpet was ripped out from under me. With every song, every verse, every movie, every babies face... I hurt. I cry out to God. In the verse I know He never promised it would be okay and that He would do a grand miracle. He promised He would be with us and I was not to be afraid. I am grasping tight to this verse these days as I allow Him to continue to heal me. God even though there are many things that will still stop me dead in my tracks, I will not let go of YOU, for YOU have not let go of me.
We are embarking on many milestones right now. Mother's Day: I was heart broken as I remembered last year and how excited I was to be a new Mama again. I had a blessed day with my honey & boys as we went to lunch, Cold Stone & then to Isaac's grave. I am proud to be a Mom to my boys, they mean everything to me. I read the boys' nice cards they made with the personal things they wrote in them for me. I found myself breaking down and apologizing for being "absent" this year for them, and what a bad Mom I've been. My oldest Nathan cried and hugged me saying, "It's been a hard year on all of us Mom, it's okay. You're a great Mom" Priceless!
July 8th, 2008 we were surprised to find out that we were having a boy, so excited for that. My 3 sons I would say... my friends told me I am good at raising boys (LOL). How would I know how to handle a girl anyway?
We are coming up on 2 more major milestones, August 5th is when we knew his little life was in jeopardy. We were crushed but determined to fight for his life, He is valuable!!! August 20, 2008 was his homegoing to heaven. Oh how my heart hurts, how I miss him!
Nathan left for junior high camp on Monday and this brought up more pain for us. Reminders of last summer. The day I came home from the hospital last year, Nathan left 2 hours later for camp. I was so mad, I didn't want to let any of us out of my sight, I didn't want him to go. My sister had stayed at our house while we were at the hospital and she had talked him into going, saying it would be good for him. It was! She was right, God met him in such a cool way, surrounding him with people who hurt right alongside him and most importantly God comforted him. It was nice in the end for us too, I felt like a zombie anyway, he didn't miss much except tears. So as he left out on Monday... there I stood crying. I probably looked like a Mom that needed to get a grip, but only Nathan and God really understood my heart.
One day little buddy we will be reunited, all 5 of us as the Carlson family. Until then we will keep pressing on, allowing God to speak in the midst of our pain & our joy.
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