3 years

Three years... oh the challenges of a 3 year old little boy. What crazier times we would be having as a family with a 3 year old in this mix of raising 2 teenagers. Life has gone on, some days to my chagrin. There are still days where the smallest, sometimes weirdest, thing will set me off thinking about how things would have been. However, they are fewer and farther between, which sometimes makes me feel guilty. I know that while I will never forget him and the impact his little life had on us, I... don't want to re-live every detail year after year either.

We were in a store a couple months ago & it had a "Cars 2" display of clothes and toys for kids. I broke down right there in the store bawling. I thought of how much Isaac would've loved Disney's Cars movie & how we would have loved buying him a special t-shirt or toy. I loved those moments with our older 2 boys and loved watching their faces light up, I miss having that moment with Isaac.

I never had a choice, a say, in whether he made it through the fight of his life or not. Seems unfair.

Today, August 19th 2011 I admit... I still struggle.

Still those moments on that early afternoon of being told he was gone, rocked my world forever.... being told to come back in 2 hours & they would induce labor to deliver him. I still remember getting in the car at the UW parking garage, turned the car on to head who knows where, and the song "Breathe" was playing. This is the air I breathe. This is the air I breathe. Your Holy presence living in me... my how those words stung my heart. OH GOD!! THIS IS NOT FAIR. HE WAS NOT BREATHING OR LIVING IN ME!!! HE WAS GONE. I WOULD NEVER GET TO SEE HIM SMILE, SEE HIM OPEN HIS EYES OR HEAR HIS FIRST CRY! WHY GOD?

Obviously I know the song is talking about God, but my gut was screaming out, I still feel a scream rise up now. Our prayer from August 5th on was that air would return to his lungs, that he would be able to breathe, so this song playing was bitter in my spirit at that moment and sometimes still today. We sang this 2 weeks ago & it knocked me to the floor, not literally, but figuratively. I struggled all week, wrestling again with God and my own feelings of abandonment from every support system I thought I had, including Him. Ah, once again a dark valley, but it was a place where my husband nudged me, shoved me off a cliff, threw me overboard- ha ha- to lay it all out before God again. I thought yeah okay, whatever Brad... but as I went to be alone and began to talk to God about my fears, disappointments, hurt, betrayal and on and on and on... then listen for Him, I just felt as if He was giving me a hug. I needed that... to not feel alone in this journey.

You know what though? I feel as though I am normal, that I am doing alright and that this is a normal part of grieving.

This is a season, an August season of remembering our boy. And YES GOD, thank you for holding me/us together.