... The Bear

Ok... so I am going to go back in time to August 27th. This is exactly a week after we lost Isaac and I was having a tough time, we all were. What made it worse was that because we didn't want to be overwhelmed with emotions in public, we stayed out of it. We literally stayed home to avoid people. Needless to say... I was going crazy - getting severe cabin fever, felt like I was suffocating.


Big blessing! On that specific Wednesday we were blessed with the opportunity to get away for a few nights by some friends. We went to Portland for 2 nights and Seaside for a night and it was just what I needed, we needed. It gave me specifically a chance to get some air and breathe a bit. It never took the pain away, just gave me a fresh perspective. This is when my writing spree started as well.

It all started from a book my friend Joleanne Piper sent me called, "Empty Arms". In fact I had just received it in the mail on Wednesday as we were headed out of town, thank you Jesus. It was like this lady, the author was in my head and in our home. I highly recommend the book to anyone just to give them an idea of what families in our situation go through. As I read, I underlined those things which spoke most to me and it was crazy, just crazy! Then at night when the kids would go to sleep and Brad was catching up on sports I would write, cry, write, cry and read my Bible. It's funny, well not really, but God wasn't speaking to me at all in the way I thought he should. But... a big but... He was holding me, showing me love through my family and friends who were cracking me up by sending me random texts, even though they knew we were gone. Thank you for that by the way... I loved that, no agenda, no heavy deep talks, just random lines about silly things.


Anyway... the bear, that is what I really was writing about.


Nathan, our oldest son through this whole pregnancy has made a big deal about being the one to buy the baby it's first teddy bear. So as time passed we always remembered but never found one he liked. Well we got to Portland that Wednesday night and chilled at the hotel, ate some dinner and then went for a walk to a mall that was across the parking lot. You have to understand that all of us are emotional and are hanging on tight to each other and very protective of each other. As we were walking in the mall we stumbled upon a "Build a Bear" store. Ok, so I am sorry for all of those who I've judged before about this store, have never been in it and my boys are past that age of a teddy bear, so I thought. We went in and they immediately fell in love with the same style of bear, a curly haired one. They turned to look at Brad & I with a silent smile and look of "Please?" We said sure, we guessed that was fine. Little did we know how this very moment would affect all of our lives. As we walked through build a bear's steps of putting a bear together there we found some healing, especially for my precious boys. First thing was deciding if we wanted to put a voice inside the bear, Andrew was eying the heartbeat sound, but it freaked the rest of us out so we decided no. Then the lady asked the boys if this was a gift or for one of them, Nathan said it is in memory of our brother who just passed away. He teared up when he spoke those words and so did the rest of us from hearing him say it. So she gave us each a little padded red heart to stuff inside the bear before she sewed him closed. She told us to hold the heart in our hands, close our eyes and make a wish... by the time we opened our eyes we were all teary. Then she said kiss the heart on both sides and then she allowed us to stuff it in the bear. Then she sewed him shut and it was time for a bath, really a blow dry. Andrew hopped on this idea, he carefully carried him over to the "tub" to blow off any excess fuzzies from our bear. Then it was time to dress him... so many options, what do we pick out? Brad found the perfect outfit, we have always dressed the boys in a jean overall outfit for pictures when they were small, Brad found one!! So we dressed the bear, this was a chore in itself... we must've looked hilarious trying to dress this bear. Okay, so now to a computer where we name him and give him a birthdate because he... get this... gets a real birth certificate, something we will never get from the hospital for Isaac. At this I bawled right there in the store, how cool is this? So our bear's name is Isaac James Carlson with a birthdate of August 20, 2008. This was a total God moment for all of us but mainly for my boys, how great is God?


The boys now take turns holding "Isaac" and sleeping with him, it is the cutest thing! Andrew especially has a bond with this bear, sometimes we will randomly catch him rocking it in the rocker or wrapping it up in his blanket to hold on his shoulder. It makes his momma's heart proud knowing what great big brothers Isaac has and how much they love him as well and will miss him in our home.


Thank you for this moment God, it is one I will never forget and will cherish forever and so will my boys.

My Letter to Isaac 9/24/08

I will start at the beginning of our story.

We have 2 amazing boys Nathan & Andrew that we love very much and you see, we have always wanted another child. We have tried ever since Andrew was little to get pregnant and nothing happened. In March I thought I was pregnant and this terrified us as it had been almost 10 years at this point. So we took matters into our hands as to making sure we would be done. On April 14th we made certain we were done and on April 20th we found out that I was pregnant after all these years. We sat in shock for several days and just laughed, laughed at what God was doing. We were very excited about what was ahead, yet with a healthy fear of being parents of a newborn baby again.

To Isaac… my heart was filled with joy as we now looked forward to you coming to join our family. Soon the prenatal appointments started and we were especially excited to know that our due date was December 22nd. We loved this because it meant that our family and our friend Tina could be here for the birth, a celebration! Of course your brothers were wondering if having your birthday around Christmas would mean double gifts for you and they were bummed they couldn’t be born around that time too.

May 6th was the first of many ultrasounds and doctor appointments that I was to go to, to make sure you and I were fine. It was so exciting as we saw you today, there you were… a dot, a speck in our eye... but not God’s eye. Amazing… your life is amazing to me.

June 4th was our next ultrasound and wow -how you were growing! We can now see your shaped body and see how big you are getting. I saw your heart beating for the first time, I cried as I saw it fluttering today. We were leaving for your first vacation soon and I wanted to make sure you were healthy before we left. We had a great vacation and I felt you kick for the first time on our flight out of Seattle. Did you know that while you were in my tummy, you went to the beach, to the Grand Canyon, movies, Hoover Dam, to see Stomp, to church, to Mariners games, to help me work, swimming...and so many more places. We wondered where our next trip with you in our family would be.

July 8th was a day I was looking forward to! Your Grandparents from Idaho were flying in that day with your cousins and I had kept my appointment a surprise as we hoped that you would be old enough for us to get a good look at you. It became the day we found out that you had an outtie and not an innie. We saw that yes, you were indeed a boy! It was a special day because our family (G-ma & G-pa Shover and James & Jandee) were here to see you, on screen anyway. Your brothers were getting excited for you to arrive too; we had been having fun planning on where we will place your crib and how we will paint the room you would share with Andrew.

August 5th… was a day we will never forget. I was excited for this ultrasound for 2 reasons, one because I wanted to know for sure you were still a healthy little boy (okay so I was wanting to make sure you were definitely a boy)and secondly your brothers and our friend Tina would be able to come to this appointment and see you for the first time. Little did I know the awkward silence that would come from this ultrasound. We found out devastating news... there was no fluid surrounding you, protecting you and the doctors offered no hope outside of a miracle. You kicked while I listened to them tell me that I should let you go. You, unable to say a word, spoke volumes as we considered what had been laid before us. Isaac, there really was never a choice. You were ours from the moment God ordained it so. There were moments in the darkness during that time when I worried that maybe we should give you to God. We didn't want you to suffer, and we knew that as soon as you were with Him, you would be at peace. But that decision was not for us to make. Before your Daddy and I left that day we just held each other and cried and Daddy led out in prayer for you, there in the darkness of that room.

We prayed for a miracle. I remember telling God a saying that your daddy has said many times, “God we know that You can, we ask that You will!” I remember writing in my journal a reflection of Abraham and Isaac’s story and telling God that I will sacrifice/dedicate you to him, just as we had with Nathan & Andrew and that even if… I would trust Him. Thank you for the many kicks son. I remember making a “deal” with you that as long as you kept moving-I would keep fighting for your life. You have been so brave and courageous, we nicknamed you “The Fighter”.

August 17th was a Sunday night and we had some friends over. I quickly wanted to hold their newly born son and get warmed up for what was soon to be for us. As I held him that night, facing out on my tummy you just began to kick, kick, kick! I laughed as I thought you might be saying “Hey buddy, she’s my Mom, back off!” This was the last time I felt you move. Two days later, on the 19th we would find out that your heart was no longer beating on earth and that you were already living with Jesus. I was deeply saddened at our loss of you, our precious Isaac and just couldn’t believe it, I had to make sure. I made the doctor check 3 times on 3 different machines. You laid there still and quiet and I knew you were gone. Within 15 hours, on August 20th, you would be born at 3:23 am and I would have the honor of holding you for the first time in my arms. You were so fragile and small; a whole… beautiful little boy. You were 9 ½ inches long and weighed 7 ounces. Your Grandma Shover was able to hold you and kiss you that night as well. Before we gave you back to the nurse, daddy prayed over you and we again committed you to God.

22 weeks and 2 days… the clock was insignificant… we knew you deeply, a lifetime’s worth.
You are my son, and I love you like I love your brothers. We prayed for you all the time. We never, ever doubted that God could heal you.

I love you Isaac! You sure do have a crazy family, but it is a family that loves you and misses you. We will never forget you!

As I have sang a million times... Blessed be the name of the Lord... today, my knees will bow to the God that gave you to me…and the God who took you from me.

-Love, Your Mommy

Letter to My Parents (From Isaac)

The following is a "letter" written by my Dad, from the perspective of our son Isaac who passed away on August 20, 2008 for his memorial today. It was so moving!

September 23, 2008

Dear Mom, Dad, Nathan, and Andrew,
I’m having this letter written from Heaven and I’m asking the angels to deliver it to you.

I feel very badly that I was not able to come and live with you, as your son, and be a brother to Andrew and Nathan. I’m sorry that all this has brought disappointment and caused your hearts to experience sadness. I wanted to come and live with you so badly but God had other plans for my young life. Please try to understand.

The news of my conception brought about a real shock to you both, but soon there was much excitement within your home as you began to make plans for my arrival. It sure made me proud as I realized just how much I was wanted by everyone I became the center of attention and conversation among so many. I sure made you guess as to what I was going to be…a boy or a girl. And I enjoyed all the names that were being suggested by so many. My brothers seemed to have fun going through those baby name books that listed so many ideas and the meanings each name. After it was known that my birth would give you another little boy you chose the name: Isaac James Carlson, and it just seemed to fit. “Laughter” that made my heart glad when I realized that was your expectation of me when I came to live within your home!

I was going to share a bedroom with Andrew and you had plans how you were going to decorate the room with airplanes & clouds, fixing it up just for me. I could hardly wait to arrive, but, little did I know that my Birthday Day would come sooner that I expected. I wasn’t scheduled to arrive into this world until close to Christmas time, 2008. It would be a very special celebration. I could just imagine all the cute clothes, and toys I would receive, and no doubt would be passed around with each one expressing “ooh’s and ahh’s” as to be able to know how sweet I was. I feel very special just thinking about all the attention I was to receive. I was already being talked about within your church family too. Their expectation of me seemed pretty high.

I know my brother’s, Nathan and Andrew would have helped take special care of me and by their being older, would have taught me about life. I would have liked that and I would have felt very proud to be their little brother.

I do not understand why my life was shortened…it would have been my desire to have brought gladness and happiness into your lives, but I trust that those memories would linger and it will only brighten your longing for that reunion day in heaven.

I love you and I want to thank you for all the love you shared with me and for the special conversations you shared with me, too. You are my very special Mommy and Daddy. I’ll be waiting for all those hugs and kisses. Oh, and be sure to tell my Grandpa’s and my Grandma’s that I love them too and will see them in Heaven!

Love,
Isaac

Rainbows & Isaac

Well today I am writing with excitement. I hope this doesn't sound weird to you, but to me it is a HUGE thing!!

Right after we had Isaac, he had already passed away, we were pressured into signing documents that would help to take care of his remains. It was 4 am and we just had the worst day imaginable and now they are asking us to make a major decision regarding him. Little did I know how much that choice would affect me and my grieving process.

3 weeks ago I hit rock bottom and went for a drive to our local cemetery and walked around by myself and cried. I kept thinking I have nothing. Now really, I know he is already with Jesus, but I wanted a place where I could go and remember our "laughter". I longed and cried out to God, why I made such a bad decision, I was very angry with me and God. I soon left the cemetery but wasn't ready to go home yet, so off for a drive. It was a miserable day weather wise (and all those in western Washington say amen) raining and windy. As I rounded a corner, there in the sky was a huge beautiful rainbow. I was so mad-I said God you promised us a child, what about now? So much for your promises... isn't this how it goes some days? God just held on to me... God held on to me!!!

This week I went for my last appt. to UW-yeah! I asked when the memorial was supposed to be, see once a year there was to be a memorial at Washelli cemetery in Seattle for those in our situation and I was told it would be in September. She couldn't answer and said someone would call me back. A couple of hours later a social worker calls and said that Isaac was still there at the hospital, that they hold onto the babies for 4 weeks because many parents regret the choice they made. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? See Wednesday this week was 4 weeks and this happened on Tuesday. I was so excited, I called a funeral home in Lacey and they went and got him the next day. So now I get the honor of having a place, an Ebenezer place to remember our son Isaac James. We are having a graveside service this Wednesday to honor his life.

Thank you God!!! Just when I thought you forgot us, you put that rainbow up there to remind me that you do love us and care for those things that matter so much to us. I love you God.

Closing A Chapter

Well today was our last appointment at UW, praise God! Not that it wasn't great care up there, because they were amazing, even more so in our time of loss. It was a sealing off of a chapter in our lives. It was our first time back up there since we lost our precious son Isaac. It was tough going into the appt. and tougher when a lady sat down literally right by Brad when there was a room full of empty seats with her 2 month old baby girl. She was so adorable and all squishy sticking her tushy out as she slept and her mom was trying to wake her up to eat. I did considerably well though...

I tell you, I can feel God's arms around me, it is like He is holding my hand, knowing I am a super freak right now (-:

Yesterday at church one of the songs we sang had a line that kept saying "Jesus, I believe in You. Jesus, I belong to You. You're the reason that I live, the reason that I song... with all I am". I tell you what... I could not sing this song. I kept focusing in on the line that said "You're the reason that I live". Why me?

Here is the rest of the song:

Into Your hands, I commit again

With all I am for You Lord

You hold my world, in the palm of Your hand

And I am Yours forever

Jesus, I believe in You

Jesus, I belong to You

You're the reason that I live

The reason that I sing

With all I am

I'll walk with You wherever You go

Through tears and joy, I'll trust in You

And I will live in all of Your ways

Your promises forever

God knows I love music, it speaks so much to me. I love to sing and I haven't got my "sing" back on yet. Watch out - it may be coming soon!! I can't sing right now without bawling like a sissy girl so who knows when it will happen. I will probably include more songs later as the days come, it is healing for me. I hope it encourages you like it does me.

Oh yes today started off crazy by the way. Our Andrew, he is 10, had a rough start today. For the past day he has been holding on tight to our bear, Isaac. I will tell you about that tomorrow... Anyway, he has been holding him, giving him hugs and wrapping him in a blanket-so cute and it melts my heart as his momma. Today when he woke up he was holding "Isaac" and he was grumpy, not wanting to get up for school. So as the hour progressed he was poking like a turtle and emotional as I tried to get him to stay focused so he is not late. We take off for school and soon into our drive I give him the play by play of our after school plans of his brother riding the bus home with him. After I was done, he asked me "Mom, are you going to be coming home this time from UW?" That broke my heart, last time we went up there- I was missing in action for 3 days, unplanned, as I gave birth to his brother and came home empty handed... I assured him that yes, I would be coming home today. Within a few minutes, a squirrel was trying to get across the busy 2 lane street that was filled with cars on both sides and who gets to be the one to hit him? Mom!!! That is what I heard in disgust and soon after were tears from him. I felt like an idiot. My son who is already hurting and having a rough morning just got another blow to his little heart. I am thankful for prayer because I am happy to say that he is doing great and actually joking a bit about the squirrel. 

Good Night!

Table in the Wilderness

So there is a song that has spoken to my husband and I through this rough time in our lives. We reverted back to our old 80's Christian rock stuff and came upon Russ Taff. Now I am sorry to say Russ, that we always have skipped this song previously... but God knew when we needed to hear each word the most. August 22, 2008 this song has rocked our world by reminding us that you are faithful. Here are the words:

There's a table in the wilderness

Where the blind can see and the poor possess

Where the weak are strong

And the first one's last

There's a table in the wilderness

There's a table in the wilderness

Where the blesses sing of His tenderness

Where the lame can walk and the weary rest

At the table in the wilderness

When you search for so hard for the promised land

But the earth won't yield to your blistered hand

And you hang your head as you wipe your brow

And you shout it out, shout it out!

There's a table in the wilderness
Where the blind can see and the poor possess
Where the weak are strong
And the first one's last
There's a table in the wilderness

When you close your eyes kneeling by your bed

All the working hours spinning through your head

You remember the place that your heart desires

Where you found your life, you found life

There's a table in the wilderness

There's a table in the wilderness

All is welcome

Living water

Come find life

Come find peace

Come find rest

I am so glad that even in this wilderness time of my life, He has a table out there and it has just what I need, what I crave and what will sustain me, no empty calories! (-:

Pain Still?

Well tonight I went to go to dinner and a movie with a few friends, no big deal, could use the time out so was excited to go. We were going to see a "chick flick" my husband would probably never like. Dinner was great, the movie was great until... the very last scene. It showed, not literally, a woman having a baby and all of her friends were there to help her and witness the great event. There were shouts of joy as the baby emerged and was announced that it was a baby boy! I started bawling like a baby! Having suffered a very recent stillbirth with our son Isaac James it was too much for me to handle. I tried to quickly excuse myself after the movie and practically ran to my car to head home. My poor friends were texting me and apologizing for taking me to that kind of movie, no one could have known... 

I know that there will be pain for quite a while and that it will come and go for years. I don't know why I am in such a hurry to get on with life as I once knew it. I guess that is the world we live in and what I am used to as well. You get told sorry and you move on... his life was so precious -how do you move on?

Jesus, I need you so desperately to breath into my spirit hope again. I need you and want you so badly to just come and wrap your arms around me and say that it will be okay. Please God let me rest tonight... fill me with peace as I sleep. I love you!

3 Weeks now and random thoughts

Okay, so here are some random thoughts about my last 3 weeks.

Just when you think you can see some sunshine again... here come the clouds.

I never knew that you could love someone you have never "met" so deeply.

When are the "what if's" & "why's" going to end?(what if I had done bed rest?, what if I hadn't helped do this or that?,what if I had gone to the doc earlier when I felt something was wrong?, what is God trying to teach me?) or (why did this happen after the miracle that took place to even conceive Isaac?, why did God allow this to happen? why am I hurting so badly?, why is God punishing me/my family? What have I done wrong?)

The weirdest feeling was a few days afterwards when I could still feel him "kicking". The doctor said these are "phantom kicks" - what a crazy feeling after you lose your child - but feel like he is still in there.

I need patience, this is for sure. I, on one hand want to close, seal off this chapter of my life. Pack it away so that someday down the road if I want to open it back up I can, but I WANT it packed away. Guess what? I can't pack it away. As much as I want to... I will never forget. So all the packing away of all the baby books, maternity clothes may have gotten it out of sight but you can't take away the pain and my empty arms. So please be patient with me.

There may be times that I tell you that I can't do something with you or go somewhere with you. Don't be hurt or angry with me... just trust that some things set off emotions that you don't want to be around or see. Some days I want to be with a friend, just not alone, and other times I have to be alone. So please try and understand.

Only God can heal & help me & my family through this, this I know. I am certain of His love for us even though I do not understand His ways and will never. I do trust Him even though I am angry and don't understand, I know He is with me.

I love you son! You sure do have a crazy family, but it is a family that loves you and misses you.