Okay, so here are some random thoughts about my last 3 weeks.
Just when you think you can see some sunshine again... here come the clouds.
I never knew that you could love someone you have never "met" so deeply.
When are the "what if's" & "why's" going to end?(what if I had done bed rest?, what if I hadn't helped do this or that?,what if I had gone to the doc earlier when I felt something was wrong?, what is God trying to teach me?) or (why did this happen after the miracle that took place to even conceive Isaac?, why did God allow this to happen? why am I hurting so badly?, why is God punishing me/my family? What have I done wrong?)
The weirdest feeling was a few days afterwards when I could still feel him "kicking". The doctor said these are "phantom kicks" - what a crazy feeling after you lose your child - but feel like he is still in there.
I need patience, this is for sure. I, on one hand want to close, seal off this chapter of my life. Pack it away so that someday down the road if I want to open it back up I can, but I WANT it packed away. Guess what? I can't pack it away. As much as I want to... I will never forget. So all the packing away of all the baby books, maternity clothes may have gotten it out of sight but you can't take away the pain and my empty arms. So please be patient with me.
There may be times that I tell you that I can't do something with you or go somewhere with you. Don't be hurt or angry with me... just trust that some things set off emotions that you don't want to be around or see. Some days I want to be with a friend, just not alone, and other times I have to be alone. So please try and understand.
Only God can heal & help me & my family through this, this I know. I am certain of His love for us even though I do not understand His ways and will never. I do trust Him even though I am angry and don't understand, I know He is with me.
I love you son! You sure do have a crazy family, but it is a family that loves you and misses you.
Just when you think you can see some sunshine again... here come the clouds.
I never knew that you could love someone you have never "met" so deeply.
When are the "what if's" & "why's" going to end?(what if I had done bed rest?, what if I hadn't helped do this or that?,what if I had gone to the doc earlier when I felt something was wrong?, what is God trying to teach me?) or (why did this happen after the miracle that took place to even conceive Isaac?, why did God allow this to happen? why am I hurting so badly?, why is God punishing me/my family? What have I done wrong?)
The weirdest feeling was a few days afterwards when I could still feel him "kicking". The doctor said these are "phantom kicks" - what a crazy feeling after you lose your child - but feel like he is still in there.
I need patience, this is for sure. I, on one hand want to close, seal off this chapter of my life. Pack it away so that someday down the road if I want to open it back up I can, but I WANT it packed away. Guess what? I can't pack it away. As much as I want to... I will never forget. So all the packing away of all the baby books, maternity clothes may have gotten it out of sight but you can't take away the pain and my empty arms. So please be patient with me.
There may be times that I tell you that I can't do something with you or go somewhere with you. Don't be hurt or angry with me... just trust that some things set off emotions that you don't want to be around or see. Some days I want to be with a friend, just not alone, and other times I have to be alone. So please try and understand.
Only God can heal & help me & my family through this, this I know. I am certain of His love for us even though I do not understand His ways and will never. I do trust Him even though I am angry and don't understand, I know He is with me.
I love you son! You sure do have a crazy family, but it is a family that loves you and misses you.
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