Loss of our son Isaac

Loss... Wow, what a word. 4 letters in this small word, but they are powerful.

It is with much sadness that I tell you today that Isaac Carlson went to be in the arms of Jesus on Aug. 20th at 3:23 in the morning.

We have known for 2 weeks that his life could be in jeopardy, but chose to fight for his life while his heart was still beating. It is hard looking back now on this decision but it was right! Isaac, while we never "knew" you, we "knew" you!! I have felt your kicks and somersaults and been overwhelmed with joy at the thought of you. We had planned with great anticipation of your arrival to our home. Dreamed of how to arrange your room you would share with Andrew, painting airplanes on the wall and where we would put your bed, of course Andrew wanted you close to him... only to realize now that you are flying. You are with all our loved ones who are already in heaven and you are watching over us. We thought today as we traveled home how you have already been so many places. We wonder which one was your favorite, if you had a "Top 10" like we did. You have been to the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Alki Beach, Hoover Dam and many pools with us this summer plus Mariners games. We will miss you buddy!

It was the worst feeling leaving the hospital today, not because I didn't want to leave, believe me, I wanted to be out of there yesterday! But having had 2 children already, the joy of rolling your stuff out, being in a wheelchair holding my bundle of joy with a balloon tied to me and the hoop-la of a newborn baby. Today it was me, in my maternity clothes, with my Mom and Brad, going to the car in silence, filled with sadness at the emptiness of my arms. Never have I realized the depth of the pain other women faced, who, like me, have lost your child. To go through the steps of labor: being induced - labor pains - all that other stuff - for a child who will never smile back at you or coo at you hurts so deeply. Forgive me for being so honest. On Wednesday morning after giving birth it was an honor to hold Isaac briefly and tell him what a blessing he is to our lives and what a fighter he was-it was an honor. Is this easy? Absolutely not! The hardest thing I have ever done in my life. God gives and He takes away, it is not up to me.

I often think of the other connotation of the name "Isaac", the one from the Bible. Abraham was Isaac's dad and well, like our story Isaac was not to be, he was a miracle child to Abraham and his wife. But God told Abraham to go and sacrifice Isaac to him, God wanted to see if Abraham would give back to Him what really was His idea anyway, his son Isaac. Abraham did, he was ready to sacrifice his precious gift from God when God said no, this guy is going to live because you have not with held him from me. I want God to say that of us, as hard as this is to walk through and it isn't over. 

We will always know that we have 3 sons (Nathan, Andrew & Isaac) you are part of our family and will never forget you. We love you Isaac, thanks for letting us be a part of your life. You made us laugh!

Love to you Always, Your Mommy

Ah, the sound of his heart brings joy!

First of all, let me thank you for your many prayers and notes of encouragement! They have kept us strong. I am beginning to post them and Scriptures that God gives us all over the house. We need to focus on what God can do!

We had another appt today at UW, we weren't looking forward to it as last week didn't prove hopeful and honestly, just plain disheartening. We met with the same doctor, still making it very clear that we are going to move forward with the pregnancy, much to their dismay, this is so sad by the way (they see children as disposable). Anyway... it went good, the doctor listened to us and said she will help us as we try, this is all we can do and the rest is up to God and the "fight" in Isaac, our son. They still give us no hope, but our hope is not in them at this time, it is in God. 

Psalm 39:7 And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.

We have an appt once a week up there for the next 2 weeks. The plan is that I will be admitted to UW on Sept. 3rd for 3 days to 3 months. We do not know yet the total length, it will depend on how Isaac is doing and any infection, if any, I have. They will give him 2 doses of steroids (via me) to booster his lungs, they are our main concern and I will be monitored for any infection. Once my water broke, 4 weeks ago, I have been prone to serious problems/infections, but let me say, I have none thus far-PRAISE GOD!!

Please continue to pray specifically for:

1. A Bag of Water to form as a cushion around Isaac and stay (-:

2. Isaac's lungs to develop and protection over his body still being formed

3. Protection from any infection in my body

4. Our Family - we have been on an emotional roller coaster, thank you for your patience with us. Nathan and Andrew need prayer too. (-:

We love you! We are so moved by all the prayer and support from our church family, friends, family & even complete strangers. For those in Yelm... yes, we will see you on Sunday!

In Need of a Miracle

So here I am tonight sitting here at the computer again trying to find stories of women who have been in the same predicament as I am. You know, contrary to what the docs are saying there sure are a lot of women. I am tired of getting no answers to helping preserve my son's life. All I am given is NO hope from the docs, no helps as to what I can do, only testimonies from others online who are probably not published in the medical books. Why? Because they are walking miracles and so are their kids.Stinkin' my whole life is a miracle! I was not to be... my parents were told they would have no children biologically. Then while my Mom was 6 months pregnant she had to have a serious surgery, I was not to be again. Then in 2nd grade I died for a few minutes after surgery, I am a miracle. We all are!! We are given life, sometimes we don't even know the times our lives were spared. God does and wow...

Isaac, I am so excited to be your mommy! Honestly, after we heard the news that I was pregnant we were so shocked and all we could do was laugh, laugh at God's timing. We know now that God's timing is the best! Your name means laughter and this is the reason for your name, we believe you have and will bring much laughter into our lives and family. We can't begin to imagine losing you now, we would be so sad, you are wanted! We can't wait to meet you. Your brothers are waiting for the chance for you to give them a good poke so they know I am not lying that you are bumping me, so poke away! You have so many prayers going up for you, I can't even begin to count them. We are all believing God for a miracle for you, keep kicking babe-I am fighting for you!

Psalm 139:13-16 "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."

God we know that you can-we ask that you will!! God, we trust you, I trust you even though this is the roughest thing I have ever had to walk through. If you choose to take Isaac earlier than I would like, I will still hold tight to you, no matter how hard it would be. You are my rock!