Brad & I sang a duet of "It is Well" in November on a Sunday night (lot less people). This was huge and I was fine until "when peace like a river... " tears flowed and that was the first time I have had a "public" show of emotion. We made it through, well Brad had a nice solo anyway.
Christmas was absolutely horrible for me, I hated every part of it this year. But the turn of the new year was different for us, we were now past our due date and over a hump. I sang for the first time by myself 2 weeks into January and sang "Daystar" figuring it was safe of words to get me bawling again. I held myself together well and focused on the words of letting God use me. Literally as soon as I put the microphone back in the holder I lost it. The people cheered and as Brad took the microphone he was crying and said it was good to hear me sing again. I had not been on worship team yet but was to lead-God willing, that next Sunday. I had been practicing with one of the HS girls, it will be her first time on the piano on a Sunday morning so we went through this door trembling together.
We are doing better but definitely still have good days and bad days. We are getting a "grief share" e-mail a day and they are incredible small tidbits and it is like they are reading our mail. God is good! We just happen to have both arms tightly wrapped around Him, after all He is holding our son.
So Monday morning/Sunday night our oldest came in our room with a high fever and bad headache. We prayed with him and gave him some tylenol before he went back to bed. This started a horrible cycle of sickness for him. He is still having a rough time, but we are are glad he didn't have to have surgery. Through this God is challenging me with all that we have been through and my response to that. Funny how you think things are healing up and then something happens to take you a few steps back. Really though it is not steps back, society would like you to think that, but it is all for my good, going back shows me His faithfulness.
I am tired... God has shown me a lot of things the past 2 days about myself. First of all He showed me through this, that I was not sure if I could fully trust Him with Nathan. I prayed to Him and believed He could heal him, but last time I fully relied on Him, needed Him like never before, never turned out to be a picnic. He is trying to get me to trust Him again. REALLY trust Him.
Secondly, on the way home from the hospital at 11:30 Tuesday night by myself I just bawled. Bawled because He was holding up a mirror to my heart. Wow, a mirror of my heart. Ministry, especially here in Yelm has been very rewarding & heart wrenching at the same time. I am sure it is like this everywhere... But for me walking in these shoes with these responsibilities is new. I have built walls around my heart from being hurt. Hurt from God and others. I once walked in confidence in my relationship/standing with God. He has been my best friend and still is, I just feel like I am cowering when I am with Him. Our heartache this past year has only encouraged that "feeling". I say feeling because I know "on whom on I stand". God is showing me areas that need shored up again. I have been trying to stay close to His garment, but as I looked in that mirror it was sheer terror not love holding me there. I pray I get a genuine smile for His presence like I haven't had ever before. I don't want what I used to have, I want the new and improved (-:
I love you Brad, thank you for allowing me to grieve, praying with me, holding me & pushing me forward. Nathan, you are my sunshine. You light up this room and my heart with your smile and sincerity. You are real! Andrew, you are my little pumpkin. What you say is of great value and nourishment to my soul. Isaac, you are my courageous boy. I love you baby & miss you. Thank you God for holding me together and my family. You are faithful!