My Boys

Wow, I am amazed at how fast the boys are growing. Nathan turns 13 in a couple of weeks, it doesn't seem possible! Andrew turned 10 over the summer and to think I had him a decade ago!

I love the stage they are both at, it is challenging in a new way. I am proud to be their Mom!

Andrew cracked me up yesterday as he was "forced" to go play outside. See we have a rule that there is no video game playing during the school week until Friday. Brad and I have found that this rule actually stinks because it makes them want to go on a binge of them on the weekend (-: Anyway, he and Nathan had been playing all morning so Mom finally forced them outside, get dirty, create a game like I had to when I was a kid-ha ha! So at 3 Brad heads out there to start sawing some wood and set up a firepit with our old fireplace out in the backyard and solicits their help. They were loving helping him saw wood, stack it, get the fireplace just right on the cement blocks we had. At 6 Andrew comes in the house to announce to me that since 3 o'clock he has had the best day of his life!! I couldn't help but bust out laughing. He thinks of the craziest stuff and says words from the dictionary that I have never heard of in my life. He said that in school they don't want him to use the usual words, find some new ones that mean the same thing he tells me.

And then there is Nathan, the almost official teenager, even though it has already begun-for real! He has turned into a picture of sarcasm, like Daddy I might add. It reminds me of the old Cosby show where the kid tries to get away with a little something that their parents would never tolerate and Bill gets sarcastic with his kid and then they go back and forth in fun-that is the stage we are in. This Friday is his first "junior high" dance, oh my! I of course am going as a chaperone-hee hee. I remember those days... guys standing on one side and girls on the other until after like an hour one person breaks the ice by asking someone to dance and then it's downhill from there. I can't believe HE is in these days already. Where has time gone?

One Day At A Time

I cannot believe that it has been almost 2 months since we lost our son Isaac James. It is still amazing to me the grief that we as a family and as individuals are still going through. However, we are having more good days than bad.

Tonight my heart ached as Andrew, our 10 year old was hurting. It had been an hour since I put him to bed and I was checking my email in the living room when I heard someone up. This usually means trouble for them. As I went into his room to get after him, he was sitting up on his bed, cross legged with his head buried in his hands crying. His t-shirt was soaked with tears & he was sniffling as he said he was thinking of Isaac. Ah... what to say... what to say. I just held him and told him to let Jesus hug him too and that it is okay to be sad, that my heart still hurts too. Andrew has really been reading his Bible a lot and has enjoyed his study Bible, he loves the extra info/facts. He started reading Revelation, I know... weird book for me even, but he is loving it. He has been re-reading the first 8 chapters over and over, underlining what speaks to him. He had read me a few verses at bedtime, they were mainly saying worthy is the Lamb that was slain, he who has an ear to hear, let him hear what the Spirit says and then he quoted Revelation 7:17 "For the Lamb on the throne will be their Shepherd. He will lead them to springs of life-giving water. And God will wipe every tear from their eyes." As he said this he said this reminded him of Isaac. I believe that God is speaking in a still small voice to my Andrew-of course as his Momma I wish it would happen at more convenient times... not really!! I will take and cherish each moment with my family.

Time flies so quickly and I am finding that we are getting caught up in activity and back to "normal", whatever this means but sometimes this only masks pain. I think we need to allow "pit stops" for when we need them. I can tell you that you can't plan when you will have a moment or a day full of sorrow.

Here comes a dose of honesty or confession from me. Sundays are the worst day for me since we lost Isaac. I don't understand why exactly, what is it that makes me want to stay home every week? I know that people there love me and that it is okay to have a meltdown there, so why can't I? This past Sunday was the first Sunday I really cried since we've been back, not that tears mean anything, but why am I putting on a front that all is fine and not allowing myself to be real? I am NOT strong, I am WEAK!

What an Honor~

What an honor! It really was an honor and a huge miracle that we were able to have Isaac back and have a service for him, well really us. We now have a place we can go and "visit" and chat with him. Of course we know he is already with Jesus, but this was such a miracle to have him. Worrying about what we knew couldn't be undone - this is the one thing that tormented me the most the past month. For more about that read my previous blogs.

I want to tell you about his service...
The boys and I got there early because we had some special treasures to put out. Brad, Nathan & I had written "secret" notes to put in the casket with Isaac and Andrew had built Isaac a Wright brothers style of Lego plane out of his stash at home to put in there. My Mom (Grandma) had a special, really soft, baby blue blanket to put in there as well. It was a closed casket service, even to us so the funeral director took our items and put them in there to be buried with our baby boy.

We put his blue and white checkered blankie with an airplane on it(our friend Melissa left for us when they moved away) over the casket. This blankie was one we have carried to doctor appointments and prayed over many times. It is currently our bear "Isaac's" blankie now. We had placed our family figurines, one of a mom and son and a dad and son in front of the casket. For my birthday my Momma sent me another figurine, an angel holding a baby and we placed that one there too. We had 4 dozen roses, from our friends the Greens and the Fosters that we placed by the casket as well. We also had a side table with our memory box from the hospital with his foot imprints and other special things along with a picture of Jesus holding a baby tight. We also put our bear "Isaac" & one of Andrew's favorite bear's "Toppie" (top hat bear) there in the middle as well.

Our friend, Army Chaplain James Foster did the service and he did an amazing job, to do a baby's funeral has got to be a hard thing. He showed such kindness and was gentle with us as he read Scripture, a poem and the letter I wrote. Thank you James!

Joseph, our best friend sang & played for us. We could hear Joseph play and or sing all day. It is like David's playing was to Saul-soothing. He played the song "Jesus loves me" and it was moving... peaceful. Later he sang a song we requested, one that God is challenging us with still, you may know it... "I surrender all". It is the old hymn..



"All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give.
I will ever love and trust Him. In His presence daily live.


I surrender all, I surrender all.
All to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all.


All to Jesus I surrender, humbly at His feet I bow.
Worldly pleasures all forsaken, take me Jesus, take me now"


While this may sound strange to you, it is not at all to us, it is what God is asking us to do DAILY. It is the hardest thing we have ever walked through. We are still struggling to feel that Jesus loves us, we know it, but we desire to sense His arms around us everyday.


We had a surprise speaker as well, my Dad. I didn't know that he was going to share, he had told us earlier that he thought it would be too hard to read a Scripture or anything in the service. But then the words of "Dear Mom, Dad, Nathan & Andrew" came out... oh no, more tears. He wrote a special poem from Isaac to us, you can see it on one of my previous notes. Thank you Grandpa!


As we sat as a family, the four of us on that front row, it was a time of drawing close to each other, holding each other tight and letting go of our emotions. I loved this time -alone there with just my husband and my boys allowing each other to cry and hugging.


At the end of the service Chaplain James was to lead a little procession out to the graveside with us following him. The funeral director was to carry the casket out, but Brad without telling me ahead of time took hold of the casket. As he grabbed it, he then turned it -as if he was carrying our newborn son. Nathan & I lost it, we started sobbing all the way out to the grave. What a great Daddy you are Brad, I love you, thank you for honoring Isaac's life, it was a precious moment I will never forget and neither will your boys.


Brad took the casket and put it in the ground. Then both Grandma's and Grandpa's put a rose on it and we each did as well, I went last with a bunch of them. Andrew put one of his favorite planes in there too. James then shared a committal Scripture and prayed and it was all over. The boys then let a bunch of balloons go into the air, they got stuck on a few trees but after a few minutes they were released into the open sky. "Here you go Isaac" Andrew said.


He is with Jesus & we long for the day when we will see him again. (-: