Healing Moments

As I reflect on the past 2 days there have many "pauses". Last year I was distracted with giving back, that out of my pain there would be a blessing for someone else. I was scurrying around collecting items from friends to put in a basket and working up the strength to follow through, to go to UW with someone else in mind. This year... this month, is night and day different for me. I am reliving every detail, day by day. Sometimes it brings a smile, a closeness to my family but tears mostly. I still can't believe how there was a miracle of life and then he was gone. Without ever seeing his eyes open, a smile as he looked at his brothers, Brad & I watching him sleep or holding him close to me. I miss my son.

In April Brad and I attended a network conference for pastors in Vancouver, Washington. The very first day we got settled into our hotel room, got dressed up for the night and I realized I left my medicine at home for my diabetes. We made contact with someone to pick it up and meet us halfway, this means we will miss most of the conference that night. Brad & I head north and all we do is sit and laugh at my mistake, bummed we were missing our favorite speaker. We pick it up and head back, as we are about 30 minutes out of the city, our friend calls and says church is over, meet us at Red Robin. We headed straight there, knowing it would be packed in a matter of minutes and needed to save many seats. I know, I know... I promise I am getting to the good stuff!

Brad and I get seated at a large table and wait... while we wait we see across the room some friends from Eastern Washington. We haven't seen them in nearly 2 years. We both got up from the table and went to hug them, see they are special to us, we were united in a fight for our boys in August of 2008. We went to UW for an appt after we had been told in Olympia by doctors that there was no hope for our son. That we needed to make a decision whether to abort/end his life, let them induce labor for me, knowing that he would pass and we could maybe see him alive for a few moments or continue knowing my life and his was at risk. As we waited in the waiting room that day in Seattle here walks in our friends, the Creek's. They were told similar news a week prior, with a different circumstance threatening their son. We sat in that waiting room talking to one another, crying and holding each other up in prayer. Their son was born in November 2008, has had many heart issues, but God has helped them through it all, Braden is a miracle!! We have prayed for this family, watched as she has blogged with updates -thanking God for Braden. This night in April 2010 we see Braden in person for the first time. Tears came as she held him out to me, we enjoyed our surprise, a "God moment" that night with them.
What a happy little guy he is and to feel his little chest, his heart beating with help from a pace maker, he is healthy and thriving and a sweetie.
He didn't know us at all but was happy to let us hold him. As we were in meetings the next few days we kept running into them, smiling at little Braden. The last night Brad & I got seperated as we were wandering around saying goodbye to friends.

I came into the foyer to try and find him and he was up with Jenni and Braden on the stairwell, she had just handed him Braden and was taking a picture of them. I went up and held him again also, but he was loving those stairs... LOL It made my heart glad and then more tears.



God please help me as I navigate through another season of grief. I realize that I need not rush it, face it as it hits and always go to You for all I need. I don't understand why You allowed it but I trust You. Even though it hurts and my heart is aching I will trust. Thank you God for my family, they have been such a strength for me and my "go to" for hugs.

Blessed to Share

Last summer I was looking for a way to remember, commemorate Isaac's life. I began asking 2 ladies who had gone through similar circumstances what they did. The founder of "The Tears Foundation", Sarah Slack, gave me the idea to have a baby shower. Then give what you receive to the hospital to be given to the first boy born that day, August 20, 2008. There was no way I could throw a shower at that time, was sooo not ready. I did however take her advice and tweak it. I sent letters & emails out to all all our friends and family asking for baby boy items. I want to bless another Mom and her son through his life. I thought I would be getting away with any emotional tie for now, but no, as soon as the goodies, and wonderful ones they were began coming in I was sad. I focused on what this would mean however to a new Mom and that kept me going. A friend from church made a beautiful card to be placed inside the baskets of goodies in memory of Isaac.



I couldn't believe all the wonderful things everyone donated! I had gone shopping to buy a nice basket to put it all in and ended up having to go back & purchase another. I would've had to buy another except one of the gifts were in a huge one already, we just added more to it. Brad's secretary came over and helped me arrange them so it would all fit and then we sat on the floor wrapping them up. Now they were perfect (-:

Three friends were going to go with me to the hospital, when they came over Brad prayed over the baskets, that they would bless someone BIG. My friend Stacy drove us (Renee, Paula & I)to University of Washington on that Wednesday, August 19th, yes I skipped Bible study. They had been a huge support for me and knew they would be strong. We got to UW and then headed for the labor and delivery dept., I had already called to make sure it was okay to do this, took all 4 of us to carry it all in. This was the only moment I struggled, here were 4 of us, looking like we were going to see & present our best friend with gifts who had just had a baby. The fanfare that wasn't there when I left the year prior, just silence and empthy arms. Focus Susie, focus I said to myself. The nurse promised it would go to the first boy born on the 20th. God, please bless, out of our pain and loss, may all these incredible things blow some Mom's mind.


We left Seattle and went for dinner together, had a good time with friends who had walked through this year alongside us. Thank you God!

Never Forgotten

Wow, I guess it has been over a year since I last posted anything. Grief is a crazy thing, some days I am filled with hope of seeing Isaac again and other days I am completely broken. The brokeness has come in spurts for me this past year, haven't had a complete falling apart for awhile until today. It has been a rough one because I remember and am filled with emotion and heartache again.

Isaac, you are not forgotten. You were wanted. Your life mattered. I love you!

August 5, 2008 we were hit with devastating news that your life was in jeopardy. Today it all came rushing back, fresh, like it was yesterday. I could hardly wait to have the ultrasound that day, our boys came to get a better look and Tina & Joseph were with us to confirm you were indeed a boy. Little did I know that our world would be forever changed within a matter of 30 minutes. It was so quiet during the exam, as she rolled the thing over my tummy to check you out, she was silent. I remember thinking, well how rude, tell us what you're looking at, that's why the gang was there. Awkward silence. She excused herself to get a radiologist, I must have been a dummy that day, didn't get suspicious at all. As he walked into the room he pointed out that there was very little fluid surrounding you. It was an urgent problem and that I should go directly upstairs to my OB doctor to get further instructions. I "knew" what this meant, though he chose his words carefully, I "knew". As I went into the restroom off the room Brad excused Tina and the boys. I came out and we stood there alone in the dark & embraced. How could this be? What does this mean? We just held each other and cried and then Brad prayed over your life.

We were told there was no hope, none at all for your life that day. I would not and could not accept that. They were not factoring in You- God. The doctor laid out the facts, our "options". I am sorry but those options, they suck. We will go with option Z please, none of the above. We will trust God. You were fighting and I would fight too. As we came into the lobby Brad went one direction out of the clinic calling our family, friends and church family asking them to pray. We had yet to tell our boys, Joseph and Tina the depth of our need. As we neared the van we told them our news and cried. From that point on, we were in a fog. Nothing mattered except our family and God... period.

Our family went into "cave" mode. We pulled each other in tight, prayed night and day, crying and fighting for your precious life. Ahhh... your life. Sweet words to my ears as I type. Your precious, sweet face Isaac boy -thats what I long to see when I get to heaven. You are never forgotten son. I miss you and we miss you.