Wow, I guess it has been over a year since I last posted anything. Grief is a crazy thing, some days I am filled with hope of seeing Isaac again and other days I am completely broken. The brokeness has come in spurts for me this past year, haven't had a complete falling apart for awhile until today. It has been a rough one because I remember and am filled with emotion and heartache again.
Isaac, you are not forgotten. You were wanted. Your life mattered. I love you!
August 5, 2008 we were hit with devastating news that your life was in jeopardy. Today it all came rushing back, fresh, like it was yesterday. I could hardly wait to have the ultrasound that day, our boys came to get a better look and Tina & Joseph were with us to confirm you were indeed a boy. Little did I know that our world would be forever changed within a matter of 30 minutes. It was so quiet during the exam, as she rolled the thing over my tummy to check you out, she was silent. I remember thinking, well how rude, tell us what you're looking at, that's why the gang was there. Awkward silence. She excused herself to get a radiologist, I must have been a dummy that day, didn't get suspicious at all. As he walked into the room he pointed out that there was very little fluid surrounding you. It was an urgent problem and that I should go directly upstairs to my OB doctor to get further instructions. I "knew" what this meant, though he chose his words carefully, I "knew". As I went into the restroom off the room Brad excused Tina and the boys. I came out and we stood there alone in the dark & embraced. How could this be? What does this mean? We just held each other and cried and then Brad prayed over your life.
We were told there was no hope, none at all for your life that day. I would not and could not accept that. They were not factoring in You- God. The doctor laid out the facts, our "options". I am sorry but those options, they suck. We will go with option Z please, none of the above. We will trust God. You were fighting and I would fight too. As we came into the lobby Brad went one direction out of the clinic calling our family, friends and church family asking them to pray. We had yet to tell our boys, Joseph and Tina the depth of our need. As we neared the van we told them our news and cried. From that point on, we were in a fog. Nothing mattered except our family and God... period.
Our family went into "cave" mode. We pulled each other in tight, prayed night and day, crying and fighting for your precious life. Ahhh... your life. Sweet words to my ears as I type. Your precious, sweet face Isaac boy -thats what I long to see when I get to heaven. You are never forgotten son. I miss you and we miss you.
2 comments:
Susie, I was led to read this blog right after reading your post early this a.m. on FB "...too beautiful for earth." I have understood, by other comments & photos that you have on your "wall", about the loss of your son, but have not known anything else. Thank you so much for your openness and willingness to share what is in your heart and mind with others. Thank you for bearing your soul about something so personal and heartfelt. Grief is very very hard to deal with. What you wrote has broken me and deeply touched my heart. I will continue to pray for you, and for all of your family, as you miss Isaac and long to see him again.
Many years ago i also experienced the loss of a little one, when i miscarried at 4 & 1/2 mos. It was devastating. One month later, i came close to death when it was discovered that i had been inefficiently & carelessly treated by the attending doctor after the miscarriage. I was seriously sick for many months, along with grieving for my lost child. But i held fast with the Lord's strength, knowledge & comfort...knowing that i would be seeing my unborn child in Heaven someday. The pain has gradually lessened each year, and the hope has increased.
I know that the Lord is comforting you in the same way, but, as you said, some days, weeks, months are much harder than others. I can understand how this week and month would be especially painful for you. I will be remembering little Isaac with you, celebrating his precious soul, and praying that God will continue to keep you, comforted in His arms, until the day that you are with your sweet boy, Isaac.
Love & appreciate you very much,
Beth (Hanson)
P.S. I wanted to add that i am so very thankful to the Lord for the three amazing children (now adults) that He has graciously blessed me with on this earth. Their presence has continually helped me get through any grief that i experience, and they have taught me so many beautiful & wondrous truths with their lives each day.
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