3 years

Three years... oh the challenges of a 3 year old little boy. What crazier times we would be having as a family with a 3 year old in this mix of raising 2 teenagers. Life has gone on, some days to my chagrin. There are still days where the smallest, sometimes weirdest, thing will set me off thinking about how things would have been. However, they are fewer and farther between, which sometimes makes me feel guilty. I know that while I will never forget him and the impact his little life had on us, I... don't want to re-live every detail year after year either.

We were in a store a couple months ago & it had a "Cars 2" display of clothes and toys for kids. I broke down right there in the store bawling. I thought of how much Isaac would've loved Disney's Cars movie & how we would have loved buying him a special t-shirt or toy. I loved those moments with our older 2 boys and loved watching their faces light up, I miss having that moment with Isaac.

I never had a choice, a say, in whether he made it through the fight of his life or not. Seems unfair.

Today, August 19th 2011 I admit... I still struggle.

Still those moments on that early afternoon of being told he was gone, rocked my world forever.... being told to come back in 2 hours & they would induce labor to deliver him. I still remember getting in the car at the UW parking garage, turned the car on to head who knows where, and the song "Breathe" was playing. This is the air I breathe. This is the air I breathe. Your Holy presence living in me... my how those words stung my heart. OH GOD!! THIS IS NOT FAIR. HE WAS NOT BREATHING OR LIVING IN ME!!! HE WAS GONE. I WOULD NEVER GET TO SEE HIM SMILE, SEE HIM OPEN HIS EYES OR HEAR HIS FIRST CRY! WHY GOD?

Obviously I know the song is talking about God, but my gut was screaming out, I still feel a scream rise up now. Our prayer from August 5th on was that air would return to his lungs, that he would be able to breathe, so this song playing was bitter in my spirit at that moment and sometimes still today. We sang this 2 weeks ago & it knocked me to the floor, not literally, but figuratively. I struggled all week, wrestling again with God and my own feelings of abandonment from every support system I thought I had, including Him. Ah, once again a dark valley, but it was a place where my husband nudged me, shoved me off a cliff, threw me overboard- ha ha- to lay it all out before God again. I thought yeah okay, whatever Brad... but as I went to be alone and began to talk to God about my fears, disappointments, hurt, betrayal and on and on and on... then listen for Him, I just felt as if He was giving me a hug. I needed that... to not feel alone in this journey.

You know what though? I feel as though I am normal, that I am doing alright and that this is a normal part of grieving.

This is a season, an August season of remembering our boy. And YES GOD, thank you for holding me/us together.

Labor of Love

I've been thinking a lot about the "Labor of Love" in regards to ministry. Being pastor's and serving others is probably the hardest, yet most rewarding calling ever, in my eyes.

I have been comparing it to an actual birthing labor. In my circumstances, I received a reward of 2 healthy boys, hearing their first cry was precious. However, I also had the heartache of labor with no reward, a still born baby boy, met with silence.

Our place of ministering has not been easy, yet we have seen many miracles & God's grace at work in lives time after time, after time. I knew when we moved here 11 years ago that this would be a difficult place to serve, so we prayed even harder to make sure all the road signs said "Go here!" I know that in this battle of life and ministry here, there have been countless times I want to quit. So goes my story...

What happens to a woman in labor if she decides that half way through giving birth, she decides to get outta there?

The pain is not worth it, she cannot yet see the results of her labor. And can I say, each woman's experience of labor, even from child to child is so different and mine from other women. There are screamers, panters, grunters, peaceful (if you had an epidural) and focused. Somehow in the middle of your labor, it is easy to lose sight of the goal, the reward of holding your child.

I can remember when I was in labor for what seemed like forever with our oldest son. My sister happened to be in town from out of state and was able to be there for his birth. She drove me crazy, absolutely drove me nuts!! Our son was so big that the pushing phase lasted for hours, not minutes or pushes... we just plain lost count. She would see glimpses of him and yell, "Go, push him out, I can see his head, you can do it"!! After 30 minutes to an hour of this I said "STOP IT! Please be quiet, SHUT UP!!"

In ministry, I am finding myself ready to get up off the table and say this just isn't worth it. My pain and losses far outweigh the joy of the results of the reward. So many people have bailed on "the labor", sometimes leaving in a huff because they don't like how long it is taking for us to make changes. Then there are others who leave quietly, sneaking out a back door, not saying a word, these hurt the most. I am there to labor alone, wondering what happened. Then you have a crowd that tells you how you are going to do it, no if's, and's or but's about it and you just want to scream, "Be quiet!"

Jonah was famous for saying he didn't want to go to "those people", for even when he saw the state of their lives and city, he did not care. He had a mentality of "they made their bed, they didn't seem eager to change their ways" so he bailed on them. He left in the middle of the labor of love God called him to.

I care and that is what hurts. I love those we serve here, I want to make a difference in my city. I want to be obedient and am trying to be patient, my biggest downfall.

It is hard right now... at this very moment, to be still, focus and remember that the reward is coming.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NLT says, "That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."

The Message version says it like this, "So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."