Silence

My heart has been aching again lately. It is some "Isaac" and it is partly because my boys are growing up so fast I can hardly believe it. Mostly though, it is ministry. Connections.

I grew up in a pastor's home, a home where my parents always said that it is a bad idea to have friends in the church where you serve. I never really understood this, and as a young person was like sure... I guess I understand. My Mom did have a best friend in the church where I grew up in my younger years. I called her my 2nd Mom. She had all authority under heaven and earth to discipline me and love me the same as my Mom would do to her kiddos. They were and still are like sisters. Although I don't know how transparent my Mom was to her when we served at the church for 12 years, if she was able to open her heart and let her know the things that troubled her, the things that made her smile. I guess I will have to ask my Mom and see.

I believe in being transparent with people. I want people to be the same back, no facade. This is how my husband & I function in the ministry and church we serve at. However, it doesn't come without heartbreak and struggle and joys.

I will get right down to what is going on in my spirit.

I hurt. I hurt for those to which I am vulnerable. They get vulnerable and there seems to be a connection for a lifelong friendship. Then all of a sudden, they are gone without so much as a phone call, a letter or a meeting. Silence. What was going on? Am I the only one that put it all on the line? I feel like someone who was cheated on, spit on & left in the road to fill in the blanks as to what went wrong.

I have not reached out to others in hopes that one day they would turn and scratch my back. I hope and pray that I have ministered because I love them and have wanted what is best for them. There have been many long hours of counseling, moving people, reconciling them with their loved ones, helped them through kicking life threatening habits all to be thrown aside and leave in silence. I do not understand. I thought we were "friends". Ladies that I have poured my heart out to and they have in turn, done the same. People that I would do anything for, maybe therein lies my issue...? I am not the glue, I am not a babysitter - my desire is that you grow up in the Lord.

 I am trying to learn from these times and let go. It makes me realize as to why I do not want to open up to others, even those who beg and plead and say, "Susie, you can be real with us!". Because one day they will hightail it out of here without so much as an I love you, sorry things aren't working out. Either way, I need God's help to suck it up and keep moving.