I will start at the beginning of our story.
We have 2 amazing boys Nathan & Andrew that we love very much and you see, we have always wanted another child. We have tried ever since Andrew was little to get pregnant and nothing happened. In March I thought I was pregnant and this terrified us as it had been almost 10 years at this point. So we took matters into our hands as to making sure we would be done. On April 14th we made certain we were done and on April 20th we found out that I was pregnant after all these years. We sat in shock for several days and just laughed, laughed at what God was doing. We were very excited about what was ahead, yet with a healthy fear of being parents of a newborn baby again.
To Isaac… my heart was filled with joy as we now looked forward to you coming to join our family. Soon the prenatal appointments started and we were especially excited to know that our due date was December 22nd. We loved this because it meant that our family and our friend Tina could be here for the birth, a celebration! Of course your brothers were wondering if having your birthday around Christmas would mean double gifts for you and they were bummed they couldn’t be born around that time too.
May 6th was the first of many ultrasounds and doctor appointments that I was to go to, to make sure you and I were fine. It was so exciting as we saw you today, there you were… a dot, a speck in our eye... but not God’s eye. Amazing… your life is amazing to me.
June 4th was our next ultrasound and wow -how you were growing! We can now see your shaped body and see how big you are getting. I saw your heart beating for the first time, I cried as I saw it fluttering today. We were leaving for your first vacation soon and I wanted to make sure you were healthy before we left. We had a great vacation and I felt you kick for the first time on our flight out of Seattle. Did you know that while you were in my tummy, you went to the beach, to the Grand Canyon, movies, Hoover Dam, to see Stomp, to church, to Mariners games, to help me work, swimming...and so many more places. We wondered where our next trip with you in our family would be.
July 8th was a day I was looking forward to! Your Grandparents from Idaho were flying in that day with your cousins and I had kept my appointment a surprise as we hoped that you would be old enough for us to get a good look at you. It became the day we found out that you had an outtie and not an innie. We saw that yes, you were indeed a boy! It was a special day because our family (G-ma & G-pa Shover and James & Jandee) were here to see you, on screen anyway. Your brothers were getting excited for you to arrive too; we had been having fun planning on where we will place your crib and how we will paint the room you would share with Andrew.
August 5th… was a day we will never forget. I was excited for this ultrasound for 2 reasons, one because I wanted to know for sure you were still a healthy little boy (okay so I was wanting to make sure you were definitely a boy)and secondly your brothers and our friend Tina would be able to come to this appointment and see you for the first time. Little did I know the awkward silence that would come from this ultrasound. We found out devastating news... there was no fluid surrounding you, protecting you and the doctors offered no hope outside of a miracle. You kicked while I listened to them tell me that I should let you go. You, unable to say a word, spoke volumes as we considered what had been laid before us. Isaac, there really was never a choice. You were ours from the moment God ordained it so. There were moments in the darkness during that time when I worried that maybe we should give you to God. We didn't want you to suffer, and we knew that as soon as you were with Him, you would be at peace. But that decision was not for us to make. Before your Daddy and I left that day we just held each other and cried and Daddy led out in prayer for you, there in the darkness of that room.
We prayed for a miracle. I remember telling God a saying that your daddy has said many times, “God we know that You can, we ask that You will!” I remember writing in my journal a reflection of Abraham and Isaac’s story and telling God that I will sacrifice/dedicate you to him, just as we had with Nathan & Andrew and that even if… I would trust Him. Thank you for the many kicks son. I remember making a “deal” with you that as long as you kept moving-I would keep fighting for your life. You have been so brave and courageous, we nicknamed you “The Fighter”.
August 17th was a Sunday night and we had some friends over. I quickly wanted to hold their newly born son and get warmed up for what was soon to be for us. As I held him that night, facing out on my tummy you just began to kick, kick, kick! I laughed as I thought you might be saying “Hey buddy, she’s my Mom, back off!” This was the last time I felt you move. Two days later, on the 19th we would find out that your heart was no longer beating on earth and that you were already living with Jesus. I was deeply saddened at our loss of you, our precious Isaac and just couldn’t believe it, I had to make sure. I made the doctor check 3 times on 3 different machines. You laid there still and quiet and I knew you were gone. Within 15 hours, on August 20th, you would be born at 3:23 am and I would have the honor of holding you for the first time in my arms. You were so fragile and small; a whole… beautiful little boy. You were 9 ½ inches long and weighed 7 ounces. Your Grandma Shover was able to hold you and kiss you that night as well. Before we gave you back to the nurse, daddy prayed over you and we again committed you to God.
22 weeks and 2 days… the clock was insignificant… we knew you deeply, a lifetime’s worth.
You are my son, and I love you like I love your brothers. We prayed for you all the time. We never, ever doubted that God could heal you.
I love you Isaac! You sure do have a crazy family, but it is a family that loves you and misses you. We will never forget you!
As I have sang a million times... Blessed be the name of the Lord... today, my knees will bow to the God that gave you to me…and the God who took you from me.
-Love, Your Mommy
We have 2 amazing boys Nathan & Andrew that we love very much and you see, we have always wanted another child. We have tried ever since Andrew was little to get pregnant and nothing happened. In March I thought I was pregnant and this terrified us as it had been almost 10 years at this point. So we took matters into our hands as to making sure we would be done. On April 14th we made certain we were done and on April 20th we found out that I was pregnant after all these years. We sat in shock for several days and just laughed, laughed at what God was doing. We were very excited about what was ahead, yet with a healthy fear of being parents of a newborn baby again.
To Isaac… my heart was filled with joy as we now looked forward to you coming to join our family. Soon the prenatal appointments started and we were especially excited to know that our due date was December 22nd. We loved this because it meant that our family and our friend Tina could be here for the birth, a celebration! Of course your brothers were wondering if having your birthday around Christmas would mean double gifts for you and they were bummed they couldn’t be born around that time too.
May 6th was the first of many ultrasounds and doctor appointments that I was to go to, to make sure you and I were fine. It was so exciting as we saw you today, there you were… a dot, a speck in our eye... but not God’s eye. Amazing… your life is amazing to me.
June 4th was our next ultrasound and wow -how you were growing! We can now see your shaped body and see how big you are getting. I saw your heart beating for the first time, I cried as I saw it fluttering today. We were leaving for your first vacation soon and I wanted to make sure you were healthy before we left. We had a great vacation and I felt you kick for the first time on our flight out of Seattle. Did you know that while you were in my tummy, you went to the beach, to the Grand Canyon, movies, Hoover Dam, to see Stomp, to church, to Mariners games, to help me work, swimming...and so many more places. We wondered where our next trip with you in our family would be.
July 8th was a day I was looking forward to! Your Grandparents from Idaho were flying in that day with your cousins and I had kept my appointment a surprise as we hoped that you would be old enough for us to get a good look at you. It became the day we found out that you had an outtie and not an innie. We saw that yes, you were indeed a boy! It was a special day because our family (G-ma & G-pa Shover and James & Jandee) were here to see you, on screen anyway. Your brothers were getting excited for you to arrive too; we had been having fun planning on where we will place your crib and how we will paint the room you would share with Andrew.
August 5th… was a day we will never forget. I was excited for this ultrasound for 2 reasons, one because I wanted to know for sure you were still a healthy little boy (okay so I was wanting to make sure you were definitely a boy)and secondly your brothers and our friend Tina would be able to come to this appointment and see you for the first time. Little did I know the awkward silence that would come from this ultrasound. We found out devastating news... there was no fluid surrounding you, protecting you and the doctors offered no hope outside of a miracle. You kicked while I listened to them tell me that I should let you go. You, unable to say a word, spoke volumes as we considered what had been laid before us. Isaac, there really was never a choice. You were ours from the moment God ordained it so. There were moments in the darkness during that time when I worried that maybe we should give you to God. We didn't want you to suffer, and we knew that as soon as you were with Him, you would be at peace. But that decision was not for us to make. Before your Daddy and I left that day we just held each other and cried and Daddy led out in prayer for you, there in the darkness of that room.
We prayed for a miracle. I remember telling God a saying that your daddy has said many times, “God we know that You can, we ask that You will!” I remember writing in my journal a reflection of Abraham and Isaac’s story and telling God that I will sacrifice/dedicate you to him, just as we had with Nathan & Andrew and that even if… I would trust Him. Thank you for the many kicks son. I remember making a “deal” with you that as long as you kept moving-I would keep fighting for your life. You have been so brave and courageous, we nicknamed you “The Fighter”.
August 17th was a Sunday night and we had some friends over. I quickly wanted to hold their newly born son and get warmed up for what was soon to be for us. As I held him that night, facing out on my tummy you just began to kick, kick, kick! I laughed as I thought you might be saying “Hey buddy, she’s my Mom, back off!” This was the last time I felt you move. Two days later, on the 19th we would find out that your heart was no longer beating on earth and that you were already living with Jesus. I was deeply saddened at our loss of you, our precious Isaac and just couldn’t believe it, I had to make sure. I made the doctor check 3 times on 3 different machines. You laid there still and quiet and I knew you were gone. Within 15 hours, on August 20th, you would be born at 3:23 am and I would have the honor of holding you for the first time in my arms. You were so fragile and small; a whole… beautiful little boy. You were 9 ½ inches long and weighed 7 ounces. Your Grandma Shover was able to hold you and kiss you that night as well. Before we gave you back to the nurse, daddy prayed over you and we again committed you to God.
22 weeks and 2 days… the clock was insignificant… we knew you deeply, a lifetime’s worth.
You are my son, and I love you like I love your brothers. We prayed for you all the time. We never, ever doubted that God could heal you.
I love you Isaac! You sure do have a crazy family, but it is a family that loves you and misses you. We will never forget you!
As I have sang a million times... Blessed be the name of the Lord... today, my knees will bow to the God that gave you to me…and the God who took you from me.
-Love, Your Mommy
2 comments:
Oh, Susie. I don't know how you do it. I find myself holding Josiah so tight and wondering how I would have handled myself had I lost him. It certainly would not have been with as much grace and unwaivering faith as you have. It's made me take a closer look at my relationship with God. Thank you for your blogs. Continually praying for you.
I finally got a google account. Or something like that.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here. it is a good way for us to understand what is happening.
I miss you and your sillyness!
Cindy.
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